John and Barbara have three children in junior and senior high school. Their house is the site of frequent battles concerning how much the children need to study and what grades are acceptable. The main battle is with their youngest child, Peter, who refuses to study. The more they pressure him, the more rebellious he becomes. He now perceives them to be his enemies, and a great power struggle takes place between them.

Peter lacks self-confidence and self-acceptance, and is tired of being compared to his older sisters. He would like to have good grades, but the fear of trying and not succeeding is unbearable for him, and thus, he prefers not to try at all.

He would much rather play at the computer or search the net than study subjects he feels have nothing to do with life. He prefers to partake in activities he can control and succeed at, rather than those which hold the risk of failure and create anxiety.

John and Barbara attach great deal of importance to grades, success, economic status, and most of all, to how they and their children compare to other families and what others think of them.

They find it difficult to decide how much responsibility they have for Peter's future, and whether it is their duty to pressure him. Still, what creates even more anxiety for them is the fact that they are programmed to believe his "failure" is their "failure." They measure their self worth as persons and parents by their children's grades and accomplishments.

They are ashamed to admit to others that Peter is not doing well. They feel lessened in other's eyes.

Peter realizes this and is hurt by the fact that they are allowing what other people think to be more important than how he feels. He feels misunderstood, rejected, and unloved. His parents feel the same.

He needs to be accepted and loved for the person he is, regardless of his grades. His parents do love him, but their fears concerning his future, their own self worth as parents, and what others think of them, prevent them from expressing their love without inhibitions.

Peter would like to make them happy, but his fear of failure and need to protect his freedom and self worth by rebelling against their pressure, become obstacles in his ability to do so.

They all need to analyze and free themselves from the beliefs and attachments preventing them from experiencing and expressing the love they have for each other.

Belief Analysis

Their beliefs cause them to be caught up in this situation.

John and Barbara might be limited by some of the following beliefs:

1. Our child is our creation. We are totally responsible for what he becomes.

2. Our self worth depends on how he turns out: his grades, his health, his success, his behavior, etc.

3. Others will judge us according to our children's success or failure.

4. Our self worth is dependent upon what others think and say about us.

5. Our child will be able to succeed and be happy only of he obtains high grades and a university degree.

6. This is a difficult world and we must protect and prepare our child for it.

7. Later in life, our child might hold us accountable for the fact that we didn't push him enough.

Peter might be limited by some of the following beliefs:

1. I am not smart; I cannot succeed at school.

2. My self worth is dependent upon my grades.

3. My self worth is dependent upon how I measure up to my sisters and others.

4. My parents will love me more if I have high grades and less if I do not.

5. I will probably not be happy or successful in life if I don't get good grades.

6. I am a failure and no one loves me.

7. I am living in a prison and have no freedom to live my life I as I chose.

8. My parents want to control me in order to satisfy their own needs.

By adjusting their belief system, this family could solve many of their problems.

John and Barbara might find peace in some of the following beliefs:

1. Our child is God's creation and has within him the blueprints of his life. We are here to aid him in his search for himself.

2. Our child is like a seed that knows what it needs to become. We are here simply to water the seed and nourish it, not to tell him how to live his life.

3. Our self worth depends solely on our motives and effort to help our child, not on the result.

4. We are worthy of love and respect regardless of our children's grades.

5. We are worthy of love and respect regardless of what others think or say.

6. Our child has the ability and inner guidance to create success and happiness regardless of his education.

7. Life gives us and our children exactly what each of us needs for his/her growth.

8. We offer love, guidance and support to our child, but allow him to make his own choices and grow through living the consequences of those choices.

9. We understand and respect our child's fears and seek to help him believe in himself.

Peter might be helped by some of the following beliefs:

1. I am intelligent and totally capable of succeeding in school and life.

2. I deserve love and respect regardless of my grade level.

3. I am special and unique from my sisters and all others.

4. I will create success and happiness in my life.

5. I am worthy of love and respect exactly as I am.

6. I understand my parents? anxiety and need to pressure me to study, and feel their love behind those actions.

7. I understand their fears and accept them as they are.

8. Real freedom is the freedom to intelligently direct my energy in ways that benefit my life and future.

9. My parents love me and are trying to help me in their own way.