Specifically, the lies that we men tell women. Oh, believe me, I know that there’ll be many of you guys out there who’ll roll your eyes and then tell your significant others that I’m crazy, that you never lie and that I’m just making us guys look bad for some unfathomable reason. The truth is, though, that we men do lie to the women we care about, we lie to them often, and we’ll keep doing it for as long as we can draw breath. If y’all don’t think so, then I’m going to conduct a little experiment - I’m going to list three questions that women typically ask men, and I’ll respond with the answers we men usually give, and then I’ll answer them the way we would if we were being totally honest. With that being said, let’s go straight to question number one:
“Honey, my sister wants to come visit us for a week or so, and she has a little head cold. The good news is that her fever seems to be just about gone. We haven’t seen her in so long, and the trip will do her so much good. Do you mind if she visits us this coming weekend?”
The answer we usually give - “Sure darling, I have no problem with that at all. Your sister is such a good person, and our nice, warm house will help her cold go away much more quickly. Be sure to buy her plenty of juice, aspirin, and tissues!”
The answer we’d give if we were being honest - “I’d rather kiss an ape right on its pink heiny than have her visit us. She’s a crab on her best day, and with a head cold going that means she’s going to be a sick crab on her worst day. You’re asking me to allow her to fumigate my entire house with germs, consume most of the contents of my pantry and refrigerator, and then drop mucus covered tissues all over the house. I’d just as soon hand out all my credit cards to the City of Macon as have her visit us.”
Question number two:
“Dear heart, I know you had your heart set on grilled hamburgers tonight, but the grill ran out of propane and then Bex, my best friend called, and we spent some quality time catching up, and I just totally forgot about your food. Don’t worry, though, I made a nice, big garden salad for you. It’s much healthier than those burgers would’ve been anyway.”
The answer we usually give - “No problem at all, little sugar mama, I need to watch my weight anyway, so this must be a sign from above. Thank you for looking out for my best interests, darling”
The answer we’d give if we were being honest - “Eating this pile of yard clippings is like eating processed air, twenty minutes after I’m done I’ll be hungry again. It won’t even work up a good burp. As for Bex, her husband left her, what, a month or two ago? I should give him a call, I’ll bet my bottom dollar he’s eating out at a good burger joint tonight...”
Question number three:
“I donated a hundred dollars to the local artists guild - aren’t you proud of me?”
The answer we usually give - “Gosh golly shucks, sugar dumpling, that’s great!”
The answer we’d give if we were being honest - “Let me get this straight, I can’t get a burger but you can donate money to those doily knitters over at the guild? Maybe I can get one of them to do a portrait of a burger for me, that seems to be the closest I’ll ever get to one.”
So am I wrong, guys? We do lie to the women in our lives, and they really should be glad that we do. It preserves the good will necessary for positive, healthy relationships between men and women, and it also allows us guys the guilty pleasure of thinking about the honest answers to these questions in our minds as we verbally spit out the answers we’re supposed to. I’d say even more on this subject, but my spouse has just asked me if I’d mind taking a plate of cookies over to our new neighbors, the ones with the two large German Shepherds, and I need to let her know just how excited I am about doing that....
