It's important at this point to remember that defiance generally comes from his feeling powerless over what happens in his world. Often, it helps to say calmly that you can't talk to him or do anything for him when he uses certain words or a certain tone of voice. By helping him see that he will have more control by using different words and tone, you will find his defiance lessening.

Destructive behavior Young children cannot be expected to handle others' possessions with great care and will, quite naturally, break fragile items. Sometimes, however, children destroy others' property-often a playmate's toys-deliberately. It's important to respond firmly, stating that the behavior is not acceptable.

Removing your child from playing with her friend can help bring the lesson home. Important, too, is helping your child make amends. She can be reminded to apologize. She can also offer a replacement toy or a picture she's drawn or other token in return.

Young children are constantly struggling for control of their own impulses, of your schedule, of the world around them. The ultimate loss of control is a temper tantrum. A typical tantrum involves a child throwing herself on the floor while kicking, screaming, crying, and sometimes holding her breath. Some children may even faint. The first time you witness your child having a tantrum, you may be frightened as well as frustrated, angry, and, if the tantrum takes place in public, embarrassed. Tantrums are rarely dangerous to your child, nor are they usually a sign of any severe emotional disorder. They usually first occur around the age of 2 or 3 and diminish by age 4 or 5. During these years, your child is beginning to gain independence and looking for ways to control the events in her life. However, when she is thwarted in her desires or when she reaches beyond her skill level to try to do something she can't yet do, she becomes frustrated and angry. When words don't come as quickly as the emotions, she falls apart. Furthering her upset, she resents and tries to push away your attempts to calm her. How can you help her regain control?

Although you can't prevent every tantrum, you may be able to diminish their frequency by watching that your child does not become overly frustrated, anxious, or tired. Quiet times or naps will help your child recover flagging energy before she goes beyond her limits. Also review the limits you have put on her. If they are too severe, she may fight them at every turn. When a child holds her breath, even to the point of fainting, parents are understandably alarmed. In spite of your feelings, it's important not to show how upset this behavior makes you. To do so

Once she is calm enough to hear you, you can offer to help her succeed with the thing that has frustrated her, such as helping to put on her shoes or showing her how to throw a ball When she's frustrated over a safety issue, such as wanting to use a real hammer and nails to build something while you are unable to supervise, you can agree to help her at another time while reiterating your rule about not using your tools on her own.

Do not let a tantrum cause you to feel defeated and don't let a tantrum lead you to give in to demands, which will only encourage further outbursts lithe tantrum takes place in a public place, where our child is trying to force you to give in to her desires, it's best to abandon your plans and head home rather than give in to gain a quick peace Whether at home or away from home, react firmly but calmly Say, "You will not get what you want by crying and kicking our feet. When you calm down, we'll talk about the problem "Then create some calming down time, either in the comfort of your arms or in a special time out place. Your taking control helps your child feel she is safe while she regains her sell control.