The Past Is Never Dead Video

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There is little that goes further towards improving

relationships than a genuine 'Thank you." You know that. Why,

then, do so many folks have difficulty with it?

Are we moving too quickly to notice what others do for us? Do

we just expect so much that we fail to acknowledge the little

things? Is there some small part of us that refuses to give what

we're not getting?

You have probably heard "It's part of your/his/her job. It's

your responsibility. " Sure, it may be. Does that mean that it

does not deserve acknowledgment? You can bet it would be

acknowledged if it was not done!

At home, we often take each other for granted. We 'expect'.

We say things like, "If you really loved me, you would _______."

Those are expectations delivered in a bartering mode. Where is

the appreciation for what they do? Do you expect that the garbage

will go out or the dishes will be put away? Why? Because it's

their job? How about saying 'Thank you'? Everyone likes

recognition for the things they do. It's a very easy habit to

acquire.

Ever lived with teenagers? The easiest way to engage them is

to catch them doing something right. That means saying 'Thank

you' when they do it, too. If you think this is too easy, try it

for a month. Tell them what you see that you like, what you like

about what they are doing/wearing/thinking. Forget about adding

anything about what you don't like. You'll see the relationship

change positively. Still sound too easy? Try it!

Simply look and you'll find many things each day worthy of

acknowledgment. Stop and appreciate what IS being done for

you...and, say so.

William James, the great American psychologist, said, "The

deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be

appreciated." Is there a part of you that longs to be seen,

recognized and acknowledged? Every person feels better when they

are appreciated.

Let's not be too busy, or too important, to stop, see, and

acknowledge the contributions of others. And, once is not enough.

Each time the garbage is taken out or the report is handed in,

each time they bring you coffee or extend themselves on your

behalf, say 'Thank you'.

There is another side to appreciation. It is equally as

important as recognition. William James calls it wisdom. He

says, "The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to

overlook." Ah! That's worth thinking about, isn't it?

Do you know what to overlook and when to overlook it? That can

only happen when you step outside of yourself, your needs and

wants, and see another person wholly. When you can calibrate what

is most important at any given moment in a relationship, you are

very wise .

Often, when I am working with workplace teams, conflict is worst

when folks do not know what to overlook. When tempers flare and

approaches differ, nitpicking escalates. When deadlines loom and

funding fails, fingers point. A wise person takes a step back and

looks at the whole picture. What is happening here? What do we

want to happen? What outcomes do we want this exchange to create?

This is the time to focus on appreciation and follow it with team

problem-solving.

The same is true in all relationships. If things are getting

tense, reflect on the last time you felt appreciated. More

importantly, when was the last time you found something to

appreciate in another? This could well be at the bottom of the

anger, frustration, fear or hurt that you are feeling. You can

fix this with good communication and assertion skills.

Start with yourself. Give first. Demanding to receive when

the other person is feeling empty will only escalate the

negatives. Whoever is most sane at the moment in any relationship

is the one responsible for that relationship. Let that be you.

Appreciation is never wasted. Find things to acknowledge.

Notice what others do well. Catch them doing things right.

Notice what others do for you. Offer your thanks. You'll feel

better. And, very soon, it will come back to you. I promise.

By Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, San Diego, CA.

Founder Spiritual Living Network™

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