From the time I put on my polyester plaid uniform and matching vest, I felt it – that ping in my stomach and the weight of my conscious. In kindergarten, I felt guilty for wanting to play when it was time to pray. In elementary school, I felt guilty for arguing with my best friend and not forgiving her right away.
From the moment I passed the religious statues at the entrance of the school, I felt it. It continued through high school. After a fun filled weekend of getting away with God knows what, I felt the guilt the moment I stepped into the church doors on Sunday morning. It worsened when I would walk past the Catholic statues outside the high school doors.
Guilt – it is a powerful feeling and one that can either guide and direct us or torture us until the end. As a young child, it felt like a punishment, though I didn't really know what it was. I felt paranoid when the feeling came upon me and worried that a consequence was looming with every step I took.
As an adult, I began to realize that those little reminders – pings, rapid heartbeat, nausea – were a positive sign that I was human and remorseful. I was reminded of my sins and reminded that I temporarily took the wrong path.
Those religious statues that used to haunt me soon became my saving grace. I began to welcome the sight of Mary and her newborn or St. Francis of Assisi – Catholic statues that represent the good of the world and the good that still needs to be done.
These garden statues, along with the growing flowers and plants that surrounded them, showed me the right path filled with the beauty of guilt. Guilt prompted me to think of my fortunes. Guilt prompted me to assist those without good fortune. And, most importantly, guilt protected me from temptation, peer pressure, and wrong doing. Without it, I would have pushed the limits to the point of no return without looking back, without feeling, and without God.
The word “Guilt” too often has a negative connotation in society when in reality, guilt is a positive feeling. It is within religious statues that I have found the beauty of guilt, the reality of my actions, and the significance of my choices in the future. They guide me to the path that I am seeking and comfort me when temptation arises.
Now, as an older adult, as I enter Catholic school doors or walk on church grounds, the first thing I look for is the uniqueness of these religious statues – they remind me of my guilt and of my humble nature. But most importantly, they remind me of who I am and who I should strive to be in God's eyes.
