Dear SEO Drama Queen: I want a number one ranking for my web site. The keywords are clothes, sneakers and hats. I read so much out there on how important it is to be on Google. Can you promise me a #1 ranking for my 3 keywords? Thanks, BA

Greetings BA: Of course I can guarantee #1 rankings on Google for those very generic keywords that compete against millions of other sites. AN SEO who couldn't isn't worth their wait in gold. It's easy. First, I need you to purchase about 100,000 shares of Google stock. Once you are a major holder, we can then bribe Google to either place you on top or we will sell their stock to Yahoo. Let me know when you have made the purchase. Best, SEO Drama Queen

Dear SEO Drama Queen: I contacted an SEO company and they stated their fees are $300 a month for 6 months. They stated they needed to access my site, make changes to code, write content, and help me decide on keyword phrases, build link shares and on and on. I think this is a rip-off as I have seen SEO for $25 a month and they do not need to work on my site or have me make changes; they just submit the site to 1000's of engines. Should I go with the less expensive company? Thanks, ST

Greetings ST: Cheaper is always better. Why should actually do anything to your web site. Do not use your valuable time on making your site better when you can have someone do everything for $25 bucks. I mean, why should you suffer, it is only your business, so do not put in the effort if someone can do it cheap. Let's face it, your $25 bucks pays for them to spend a minute of time placing your URL in an auto program and pressing a button. Sure, it's 1000's of engines no one sees, and sure, just because Yahoo, MSN and Google need you to manually place in a code before accepting, and sure, even though your site doesn't even need to be submitted in most cases, why pay for an expert when you can go cheap and get the site submitted. Heck, save the $25 bucks, let the engines find you on their own and go to the movies instead. Best, SEO Drama Queen

Dear SEO Drama Queen: I wanted to make fast money online. I joined a program that builds my site and even provides me with products to sell, submits my site and stated the money would be coming in. I selected mattresses, even though I know nothing about them, but they promised I could make $1000 a month with just a few sales. I paid their fee, went into the online builder and selected my site template, pressed some buttons and now have a site. But I cannot be found at all....even when I search by my domain name. HELP! ZK

Dear ZK: Oh my! You mean they lied to you? Shame on them. You take the time to select a product you know nothing about, pick a web template you believe looks good and expect the money to be rolling in. Heck, they even promised to submit the site to the engines. Sure, maybe the site is not designed to be search engine friendly. Sure, your site is held deep in their subdirectories with all the other 'want to get rich quick' clients; sure, you never need to do another thing to promote the site....and yet you still cannot be found. I am shocked, appalled even. But surely, they would not lie to you. Maybe you should buy more sites from them for other products you know nothing about and maybe one day, you will get found and make a sale. Best, SEO Drama Queen.