Despite all having different surnames they still all refer to each other as 'blood' or 'bruv'. I thought that things that were 'jacked' were raised up, as in a car wheel change. Apparently, it means stolen! The boys refer to the girls as buff, well most of them, the rest are bare butters (very ugly). And what the hell is an mp3 download? Just sound dangerous to me!

I have told these kids that if I can't understand what they are saying to me, they're marks will go down and I will have to speak to their parents. To this, Billy informs me, I am welcome to 'cotch down at his yard and chat to his rents fo sho, it'll be sick'. You understand what I mean about another language?

Not willing to be 'owned', or made a fool of, I decide to take some action. Not willing to speak this strange and bizarre dialect, at least if I understand it, I'll know whether or not they're trying to make a fool of me.

I've so far learnt that an mp3 download is what they are listening to instead of me. That explains the wires hanging out of their ears, I thought there was something wrong with them all and they were having medical tests. Having asked my teenage son on one of his less aggressive days about this craze, he deigns to tell me all about mp3 downloads and how I can go about getting one.

Opening the top drawer of my desk the next day at work, I find a multitude of these little gadgets with ear wires that they call mp3 players. These are all the ones I have confiscated over the last month or so. Not because I knew what they did, but just because it was the only thing that annoyed the kids near the level that they're ignorance annoyed me.

At lunch time I take one out and, after disinfecting the ear piece, I press the button and it springs into life. The following week when my eardrums have had time to heal, I try it again, this time remembering to turn the volume down first. It sounds like bin lids being banned together - how do they listen to this stuff?

Taking various mp3's from my drawer, I listen to a sample of today's music. Between bin lids and black man's music I understand why the kids of today are so aggressive. Some songs are totally unrecognisable in what they are saying, to me at least, but I have managed to pick up a few bits.

I've also learnt enough to know how to go about obtaining my own mp3 download and despite my students thinking I am some sort of dinosaur, I do know how to work a computer. Unzipping my state-of-the-art laptop, I switch on for the satisfying ping of it springing into life. As soon as I connect to the internet, I am greeted by MSN telling me someone wants to open up conversation.

This chat room stuff is something else I picked up from the kids and I've met some fun people this way who have been quite willing to help me with the lingo of today's youth. Still can't believe it will ever catch on and I hope one day they realise how daft and immature they sound, but I suppose we all had our own set of phrases as youngsters that we thought were secret from the adult world.

Anyway, back to the subject in hand and I search the net for an mp3 download site. Finding just what I need, a different plan begins to formulate in my mind. After all, I am the teacher, not the kids. With a pleasing feeling running through me, i take each mp3 player in turn, delete the current noise on it and re-programme it with MY taste in music.

Mp3 downloads are not just for the people who are quite happy to dance along to white noise. It's also for us oldies who like nothing more than a little country and western music where you can understand all the English words. Mp3 downloads also come in classical style. I will give these kids an education like never before.

The next day in school, I hand the mp3's back to the little darlings and delight in the look on their faces as they all switch on. Safe!