What do I wear when the invitation says "casual chic"? That's an invitation to Judgment Day. No matter what I wear, there'll be an invisible sign across my chest saying, "I think I look chic". I'm tempted to wear yellow feathers and pretend the invitation said "casual chick".

Unfortunately, what to wear isn't the only problem. There's the problem of what gift to bring the hostess. Candy? Wine? No, flowers seem to be the safest choice. They self-destruct. If the hostess dislikes them, she doesn't have to dislike them for long.

Then there's the problem of when to arrive. How late should I arrive in order not to be early?

Once I'm there, wine in one hand and mini quiche in the other, how do I avoid looking foolish when I forget someone's name? I usually divert this problem with an enthusiastic, "Hi, what a nice surprise!" - unless I have to introduce the mystery guest to my husband. If I manage to pull the name from my overdrawn memory bank, I promise the god of gala get-togethers I'll never again complain about wearing a "Hello, My Name Is" sticker.

In spite of my making promises to the god of high calorie celebrations, not all parties are made in heaven. Then the question is how early can I leave without looking like I'm abandoning the ship - and dip? As a general rule, I think third to leave is safe. I'm not the first or the copy cat second. Just to be safe, however, I lay the groundwork for my escape when I arrive. I mention to the host that I'm concerned about my child's coughing. This is party talk - not a lie. I haven't said my child is actually coughing. Then I can leave as a concerned parent - who doesn't have to be concerned about her reputation.

What I have to be concerned about is when I'm going to reciprocate. What kind of party? What to serve? Do I have enough glasses without cartoon characters on them? Will getting the house ready qualify as spring cleaning? If there really is a god of fun festivities, there must be a phone number for "Fun Festivities R Us".