Linguists have recently discovered certain phrases in the English language that can paralyze a human with fear. The three statements found to be the most terrifying are: ?We're at Defcon 1, Mr President!?; ?Hello, Sir or Madam, I'm from the IRS?; and, of course, ?Guess what you're doing next Thursday at 2:00 p.m.? Having a colonoscopy.?

Colonoscopy: it's an ugly, ugly word. In technical terms, it means the examination of the large colon and the nearer part of the small bowel with a digital camera mounted on a flexible tube passed through the anus. In the vernacular, it means embarrassment, shame, and certain discomfort ?down there?. The thought of being probed like a UFO abductee while in a cold room full of strangers can send even battle-toughened Marines into paroxysms of fear. And the fact that you get to pay for this privilege only makes it worse. (At least the aliens don't send you a bill.)

Let's face it: for most people, a colonoscopy ranks right up there with a root canal as one of the top procedures they would prefer to avoid.

And yet, it need not be so. True, your colonoscopy will never be part of your collection of treasured memories, but when performed by an expert in the field ? perhaps a doctor known for his warm heart, compassionate soul, and delicate fingers ? a colonoscopy can be less a lifestyle-changing violation of the natural order and more a brief rest-stop of slight discomfort on the highway to better health.

Such a man is Dr. Jason Harrison, a general surgeon in Arlington, Texas ? and a Mozart of the endoscope. He and his talented and discreet staff know all the ins and outs of the colonoscopic procedure and can be trusted to keep your joint journey into Inner Space as pleasant as possible, all things considered.

But why would anyone get a colonoscopy? Well, it turns out that there are some darn good reasons. Unexplained changes in bathroom habits, suspected malignancy, inflammatory bowel disease, even fecal occult blood (microscopic traces of blood in the stool) ? any of these is an excuse for your doctor to do a deep, thorough colonoscopy. Usually the problem is something mundane, like hemorrhoids, but there's always a chance you could be suffering from something scary, such as diverticulitis, Crohn's disease, colitis, or even abnormal growths or polyps.

And let's not forget colonoscopy's role in eradicating cancer. Colon cancer is serious stuff, but it's one of the easiest malignancies to beat when detected in its early stages ? and a colonoscopy does just that. In fact, a colonoscopy has becoming a routine screening test for people 50 years of age or older ? and if nothing bad is found your first time out, you don't have to go through another one for five years.

So, when the time comes for your colonoscopy, trust your dignity and your bowel to the hands of your doctor, and rest easy in the knowledge that he or she has ?got your back?.