Self-confidence is a perspective, which allows individuals to have positive, yet realistic views of themselves and their predicament. Self-confident people count on their own abilities, have a general sense of control over their lives, and have belief that, within reason, they will be able to do what they want to do.

Confidence is a demeanor that is garnered through experiences. When a person experiences success, that person will tend to expect to be successful. And that expectation will cause a feeling of confidence.

For example: A young man wants to be a boxer, so he gets a trainer and a manager. His manager will not put him into a bout until he has acquired proficient fighting skills. And even then, the manager will only put him up against a rival that he knows his fighter can conquer. When his fighter beats the opponent, he is successful, and starts to gain faith in his fighting skills.

With each engagement, the manager puts his champion up against a rival who is only a little bit better of a opponent then the last, but not good enough to beat his man. By the end of the third fight, the young prizefighter begins to expect to win his fourth, and so his confidence continues to expand. This scenario continues to repeat itself. And as long as the prizefighter continues to win, his expectations of success, and his feelings of self-confidence will continue to expand.

If a person who has a long history of success and feelings of self-confidence does fail, they still tend to expect success the next time out. Conversely, when a person who is weak in the self-confidence department fails, they tend to lose confidence, and begin to expect failure, which can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Having true self-confidence doesn't mean that individuals will be able to do everything. People, who have true self-confidence, usually have expectations that are attainable. Even when some of their expectations are not met, they continue to be positive and to accept themselves.

People who are not self-confident, tend to rely unreasonably on the agreement of others in order to feel self-esteem. They avoid risks because of the fear of failure. They belittle themselves and tend to discount or ignore compliments that they do receive.

On the other side of the coin, self-confident people are willing take a chance on disappointing others because they generally trust their own potential. Just because a person does not have confidence, it does not mean that he/she doesn't have abilities. A lack of confidence is often the result of focusing totally on the unreal expectancies of others, especially those of friends and parents. The influence of friends can be more powerful than those of parents in shaping the feelings about one's self.

Assumptions That Continue to Influence Self-Confidence

In response to external influences, people develop assumptions; some of these are good, and some are bad. Several assumptions that can interfere with confidence and alternate ways of thinking are:

ASSUMPTION: It's imperative that I am successful at every challenge I undertake. This is unrealistic. In real life, everyone has his/her strengths and weaknesses. While it's important to do the best that you can, it's more important to learn to accept the self as being human, and fallible. Feel good about what you are good at, and accept the fact that no one knows everything nor are they an expert at everything.

ASSUMPTION: I must be perfect, and loved by everyone, and satisfy everyone. Again, this is unrealistic. All human beings are fallible. It's better to develop personal standards and values that are not completely dependent on the approval of others.

ASSUMPTION: Everything that happened to me in the past remains in control of my feelings and behaviors in the present.

ALTERNATIVE: While it is true that your confidence was especially influenced by external influences during your childhood, as you mature, you can gain consciousness and point of view on what those influences have been. In doing so, you can choose which influences you will continue to allow to have an effect on your life. You don't have to be helpless because of your past.

HERE ARE SOME STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING CONFIDENCE

Emphasize Your Strengths. Give yourself credit for everything you can do. And give yourself recognition for every new adventure that you are willing to attempt.

Take risks. Adopt the frame of mind of: I never fail, because there are NO failures. However, sometimes I learn what doesn't work, and once I've learned what doesn't work in a given situation, I can try some other action.

Use Self-Talk: Talk to yourself in positive terms to counter harmful assumptions. Then, tell yourself to stop. Substitute more reasonable assumptions. For example, when you catch yourself expecting perfection, remind yourself that no one can do everything perfectly, and that it's only possible to do things to the best of your ability. This allows you to accept yourself as you are striving to improve.

Make mental movies: Visualize yourself in the various scenarios that you currently lack confidence in. But see yourself behaving like a person who has tremendous self-confidence would. There are many effective NLP and self-hypnosis techniques that will build a tremendous amount of self-confidence from within your subconscious mind. There are even NLP techniques that will let you take confidence that you do have in areas of your life, and then transplant that confidence to areas of your life that are lacking confidence!

Self-Evaluate: Learn to appraise yourself as an individual. Bypass the perpetual sense of chaos that comes from relying on the opinions of others.