I have one of those names. Because it's unusual, I have to spell it for people. If it's in person, I hand them my ID. If it's over the phone, I handle my patience. When things come in the mail, Knight is always spelled right; but there's still a problem. Often the mail is addressed to Mr. Knight Pierce Hirst.

When it comes to boys, there are lots of John, Michael and Thomas Juniors, seconds, thirds and fourths. Now that women are having children by artificial insemination, I'm waiting for Jane Juniors - except there aren't any Janes anymore - or even Jaynes. Now there are Apples, Loves, and Scouts.

Jesus is a popular ethnic epithet for Latino boys. Because it's not used for Caucasian boys, I think Madonna's son should have been called Jesus. Of course, Madonna should be thankful she doesn't need a last name because I can't think of one that sounds good with Madonna.

It's important to be known by something that sounds good. Misty Mauve sounds good and sells nail polish. Silver Sage sells wall paint. Clip Joint sounds like a hair salon, but I haven't been there yet. Economical me is still waiting for Fantastic Sam's to be fantastic.

What businesses are called can be confusing. Southwest Airlines flys to the East Coast; Alaska Airlines flys to Hawaii; and United Airlines wasn't united at all - it was taken over by its employees.

When I travel, I fly American Airlines - not because of overwhelming national pride and definitely not because of outstanding service, comfort or on-time arrivals. I fly American Airlines because I want to build up frequent flyer miles. I fly American out of greed. That's the American way.

The way things are listed in the Yellow Pages is alphabetically. AAA Cleaners is listed before AA Cleaners, which is listed way before Zywan's Cleaners. Either Mr. Zywan learned patience by being last in line in school or he's very confident about his cleaning business or he's going to be cleaned out.

When I was in school, I learned the names of the states. I appreciated having a North and a South of both Carolina and Dakota, but I thought there should have been an East Virginia too. Now, hard as it is for me to believe, there are students who don't know New Mexico is a state. There's a name for that - education "mis-state".