If you are not consistent, your child gets ample opportunity to manipulate you and play one parent against the other. But achieving consistency is a difficult feat, no doubt! And can become more difficult if the other parent is too rigid to change his/her behavior for the child.

See, if these suggestions will help:

First of all, make a plan in advance about how you would like to deal with particular situations. This will help you crystallize your own thoughts and put things in perspective.

The idea is to pre-empt the situation and if it still happens, your plan will help you deal with it calmly by doing what you have already planned.

Otherwise you will act out of habit, which can be quite detrimental to the purpose and the child. For example, you will lose your temper on one occasion and react differently the next time in a similar situation. This sends confusing signals to the child who doesn't know what exactly to do.

You need to be clear about what is important and what is not. Then focus your attention on battles that are worth fighting and ignore the others. Remember, you cannot enforce rules on everything; you need to allow some freedom to the child especially if it doesn't reflect poorly on the behavior.

As a family you can decide certain norms that are essential and others that are preferred behavior. For instance, some mothers allow their children to put their feet on the sofa, others don't. It's up to you. What is important is to stick with what you have decided. Don't keep changing your stance every now and then.

Honestly, it is these grey areas that cause the maximum stress. If you are not clear about them, you can't expect your children to read your mind when you want something done in a particular manner. Once you make up your mind you will see how the stress goes away.

The really difficult part about implementing a plan is getting your partner to participate in it.

No easy answers, of course, since this goes to the core of your relationship as a couple. Are you able to discuss the children calmly and rationally, or are they pawns in some kind of power struggle between you?

I am not suggesting that you should agree on everything ? but you should be able to agree to disagree. The important point is that no matter what your differences of opinion you should support each other in the presence of the children.

If you don't do that, your children will play one parent against the other to get what they are looking for.

The bottom line is to be consistent yourself so that you can discuss your rules and expectations with your partner and come up with a coherent plan. Most parents find a parent book very helpful in this respect. For one, it is written by people who know and secondly, it offers an unbiased objective opinion which is easy to accept by both parents.

In the worst scenario where you cannot even agree on fundamental ways of handling situations, what can you do?

In such a scenario, it is best to be true to yourself. By virtue of the same rule, give freedom to your partner to do the same.

The outcome of this is that the children are quick to size up both the parents and manipulate them to their advantage. If one parent is strict and the other lenient, the children know whom to go to and get what they are looking for.

This is an unfortunate situation and the sooner the gap between you is reduced the better it would be, otherwise it will create more problems in daily life. Since you cannot change the other, it is advisable to make some changes in your attitude. At least it will be more consistent for the children.

Ultimately it can get so bad that one parent completely destroys any authority or credibility that the other parent might have. If that is happening to you, it is time for some serious thinking (and decisive action) about what is happening in your relationship and what you are going to do about it. If you don't then your children will learn to disrespect all types of authority, and you will gradually loose all respect for yourself too.

The secret is to look at yourself more critically than you look at others. Often, it is your habit that rules your behavior not reason. The golden rule is to change yourself first rather than wait for the other to change first.