A. Indeed, it is a difficult situation, though it usually happens with separated parents. In this case the child's mom is in jail, which makes it worse. But even if the child is living with the mother and goes to meet the father he/she comes back depressed ? sometimes belligerent and destructive or just in a bad mood.

Now, the question is how to overcome this problem.

First of all, give up the idea of any kind of therapy; it is not going to help. You, as an adult and parent can do much better.

Basically, there are two different scenarios. The first is somewhat like our reader's, in which the ?other? parent is not normal. The second is of different parenting styles between one home and the other. Here we will focus on the first kind.

There are several features suggestive of such ?poison?. One is that of being unreliable for visits - promising to call or show up, but then failing to do so. Often children desperately hope that, this time, dad will phone, or come, or send a present, and yet, time after time, they are let down again.

It often happens that the other parent either ignores the child or makes him fit into his plans willingly or unwillingly. At the same time he makes tall claims of love and care for the child. This confuses and hurts the child because the actions betray their true feelings, and children are quick to feel that.

I have known of occasions when not only the child but even the mother has to accommodate last-minute changes in the other parent's plans.

Some parents are so caught up in their emotions that they, intentionally or inadvertently, start using the child as a messenger for conveying unpleasant remarks about each other. This is damaging for the child. It gives him wrong ideas and he may develop an attitude to play one parent against the other for personal gains.

All children want to be loved and cared for. They can sense love and respond to it whole heartedly. But if one parent keeps saying nice things but behaves uncaringly then the child loses all sense of worth and belonging.

The saddest part is that such slippery parents often win legal battles because they are manipulative. And, the courts have no way of finding the truth for lack of factual evidence to support the complaint of the other parent.

My advice is: don't let the situation continue and worsen. If you find yourself in a similar situation, act fast, even though it can be quite difficult.

Start by seeking mediation or legal advice. Deny access to the other parent till the situation becomes clear. This is not to say that getting the courts to agree to this will be easy.

If that option is not likely, then get a clear agreement regarding visits, including the date, time and duration etc. But, the problem is of the other parent not showing up despite the promises.

Then, having got that clarity, stick to it. Do not allow phone calls outside of the prescribed times. Do not allow the times of the visits to be changed to the other's convenience. If the agreement is for the child to be picked up between 5pm and 6pm on Friday, then wait until 6pm only. If there is another no-show, go out! Do not be available when he finally turns up at 8.30pm expecting to pick up his daughter.

Keep a record of exactly what happens and when. You will need this when you go back to court. You may also want to seek expert opinions to testify as to the effects of all of this on the child.

No matter what happens, make sure you are always warm, positive and supportive with your child. You don't have to make excuses for the other parent nor should you criticize him in the presence of your child. Just enjoy the times when she is with you. Do your best to make life as normal as possible in the abnormal circumstances.

If none of this is improving the situation, you may need to go to even more drastic measures, such as moving to a different town or state, so as to make the visits more impractical. But be very careful how you go about this, as you do not want to put yourself in the wrong. And make VERY sure that it is truly the other parent who is being the poisonous one - and not just you having a bias and prejudice against anything your ex-partner might say or do. I have seen that, too!