Tom Cruise's wedding seemed to be getting a lot of attention in the NERD press- much more than in the Italian papers.

The town of Bracciano was beseiged by paparazzi and one ex-English resident of the town had written to the Middle England Bible complaining that they would like their town back.... please Tom!

But some residents were cashing in on the event,even renting out their balconies with a view of the castle for a mere $1,000

for the day! Tom of course was in full control - he had put a million dollar gagging order on the catering staff so that no details of the wedding feast at one of the most famous restaurants in Rome would be revealed.

"But who cares what they are going to eat?" protested the Queen.

"Well, I suppose a waiter could get a nice tidy sum for revealing the menu to a journalist and steal Tom's thunder"

mused the Press Secretary. "But he didn't succeed in getting the airspace closed over Bracciano - the helicopter traffic is deafening", he laughed.

"The Scientology wedding ceremony is rather interesting- he promises or acknowledges that 'girls need clothes and food and tender happiness and frills, a pan,a comb and perhaps a cat!" exclaimed the Queen.

"And she promises or knows that 'young men are free and may forget their promises" chimed in the Press Secretary.

Prince Consort snorted "So, if Tom is unfaithful, she can beat him over the head with the pan, use the comb to get him out of her hair and console herself with the company of the cat!"

Next morning, as the Press Secretary entered, he said to no one in particular

"She's absolutely furious!"

"Who?"the Queen asked puzzled

"The Mayor of Bracciano, the town where TomKat tied the knot"

said the Press Secretary.

"Tomcat is a male cat" said PC with great emphasis.

"But that was not clarified in the Scientology wedding ceremony - 'perhaps a cat' - sex not specified" said the Queen.

"Anyway,why is the Mayor so upset?"

"First, she did not get an invite to the wedding and the Mayor of Rome did -so sour grapes there. Secondly , the town was besieged by paparazzi, traffic blocked and then TomKat did not even make an appearance or go on a walkabout- it could have really put Bracciano on the map and the residents might have got a little thrill- you know'Bracciano becomes a Hollywood Suburb'" said the Press Secretary.

"Instead, nobody appeared in the town - everybody arrived surrounded by bodyguards, portcullis up and all the town got to see were a few lousy fireworks and as it was a foggy evening, these were damp squibs. No flowers sent to the Mayor, no telegram of thanks" he continued. "And she was going to make them Honorary Citizens of Bracciano!"

"You know, I think the Mayor is right" the Queen said thoughtfully " They should have done a walkabout - I would have done - I have always respected my subjects- I mean people in general" she finished lamely.

The residents were pleased at least that when all the stars arrived, it was raining!"the Press Secretary laughed.

"At least Mrs Beckham's hat was useful - she was wearing what looked like a flying saucer !" sneered PC.