?I need your help making a decision. I recently had a



situation where someone that I was dating got into my

e-mail account and read the mail in my "sent" folder.

There were personal things in there that I had forgotten.

"When I realized what had happened, I confronted them and

they were honest and said that they had issues relating to

trust and they felt really bad about doing what they did.

Since I had nothing to hide, I was okay with the whole

thing, but.....

"My question to you is...What would you do with someone

like this?

"Please give me your input and help me figure out whether I

should feel as violated and as hurt as I do. Your

friendship means a lot to me and I know that you will help

me make sense of this situation."

Love,

Adrian (fictitious name)

MY RESPONSE FOLLOWS:

Rosella here. Since you asked, I'll be frank with you. You

probably figured I would be, eh? :-) Gotta take care of my

buddy, you know!

First of all, you ask for help to figure out whether you should

feel as violated and hurt as you do.

Adrian, it's not a question of "should" or "shouldn't."

Feelings are neither good nor bad, they just ARE, so if that

is how you feel, you need to honor those feelings.

We're so used to trying to bend ourselves like pretzels in

an effort to please and accommodate others. Sure, we need

to try to get along well with other earthlings, but NOT to

the disregard and detriment of our own feelings.

If you are feeling violated and hurt, you need to respect that

and then examine why...

According to your code of ethics, what this person did was a

serious breach of trust. (I happen to agree with you, but

what I think is not really the issue. It's what YOU think

that counts.)

Having been caught, this person suddenly became "honest" and

repented. You say that since you had nothing to hide, you

were "okay with it." Obviously you're NOT okay with it, or

you wouldn't be seeking advice right now.

And I think that what you're REALLY seeking is PERMISSION to

feel what YOU feel!

Adrian, you are the only one who can give yourself that

permission, AND you are also the only one who can deny

yourself that permission.

DO YOU SAFEGUARD YOUR MONEY MORE THAN YOUR HEART?

Let me give you an analogy here.

As a general rule, we humans tend to be more careful with

our money than with our own emotional well-being, so let's

say that this person didn't invade your private email box,

but instead they invaded your private cash stash. You with

me?

Now, when you catch this person, they get all shame-faced

and apologetic and blubber on about having "financial

issues."

Now, nice guy that you are, you WANT to believe that this

person really feels bad about having tried to steal from

you, and no harm has REALLY been done since you had just

gone to the bank and deposited the few thousand dollars that

had been accumulating. Your "friend" only found 83 cents.

Now, my question to you is this: What would you do with

someone like this?

Granted, this isn't a perfect analogy, Adrian, but does that

shed a slightly different light on the situation for you?

Getting back to the real situation, we teach people how to

treat us. If you accept the "apology" and elect not to

express the true depth of your feelings candidly, you are in

essence teaching this person that they may disrespect you by

invading your privacy. And it will be okay with you because

you'll stuff your feelings in order to "make nice."

RESPECT YOURSELF AND OTHERS WILL, TOO

Adrian, it is NEVER okay for anyone to treat you

disrespectfully. If you let someone get away with such

behavior, then YOU become the one who is guilty of

disrespecting yourself.

Always strive to treat yourself, your feelings and your

integrity as you would that of a beloved and respected true

friend. You ARE that true friend.

I understand this urge to people-please, and I also understand

how damaging it is to one's own sense of self. There's great joy

in having someone stand up for you. And it feels even better

when you yourself are the one doing it!

It's funny how we can put a different face on the same

situation and all of a sudden, we don't recognize what we

may have just learned. No matter. If we keep going to bat

in our own favor, we get to where we can spot knotty

situations before they have a chance to materialize.

And so we grow stronger each day, becoming a better friend

to our own person, and our own hero. We learn to crave

validation from the only source that really matters, our

very own self.

I applaud you for not just stuffing your feelings, Adrian.

Good work! And thanks for letting me share with you.

Take care now, my friend.

Love and respect,

Rosella