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What Is Kindness To Parents?

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Theparents are entitled by right to kind and dutiful treatment from theirchildren. Since this is an important duty that Allah emphasized so strongly, itis essential for every human being to know what constitutes kind treatment ofparents. It is no exaggeration to say that for a believer, to be a dutiful sonor daughter is to take the way that surely leads to heaven.

We note first that Islam uses the Arabic word birr in connection withchildren's attitude towards their parents. The term connotes kindness,compassion, benevolence, and almost every aspect of good and generous treatmentof others. One of Allah's own attributes is derived from this root. Allah isthe "Barr," which means that His kindness, compassion, grace, andgenerosity never fail. Scholars say that this term includes everything that isgood.

Muslim scholars divide birr into two main branches; financial andnon-financial. In respect of children-parent relationship, if either or bothparents are poor, children must support them according to their means. This isnot a matter of choice. Islam makes it a duty on the children to look aftertheir parents, providing them with the same standard of living as they providefor their own children. If they are well off, to go beyond the mere provision ofwhat is necessary for a decent living, so as to allow their parents to share inthe comforts and luxuries that they can afford, is to make an investment forthe hereafter. Nothing goes amiss with Allah. Allah is pleased with any son anddaughter who please their parents.

Looking for Allah's reward, some people make their parents feel that whateverthey own is their parents' as well. They can use it in the way they please.Although some people are careless how they spend their money, most parents aremore careful when it comes to spending their children's money than spendingtheir own. So, to make one's parents feel that they do not live on theirchildren's charity is to give them that kind of trust that makes the differencebetween feeling oneself to be a burden and feeling perfectly at home. The moreparent feels happy and contented with their children, the more Allah is pleasedwith those children. Moreover, parents pay their children back immediately.This takes the form of praying Allah for them. Such a prayer by parents fortheir children, which for Muslims, normally takes the form of "May Allahbe pleased with you," is certain to be answered. When Allah is pleasedwith someone, He helps him or her overcome their difficulties, eases theirhardships, and guides them to success in this life as well as in the hereafter.

The duty required of sons with respect to financial support of their parents isto provide them with what is reasonable according to their means. A son ofmoderate means cannot be expected to provide his parents with the same standardof living as a much wealthier son. Although we speak of this as kind treatmentby children, it is indeed a repayment of a debt. Parents look after theirchildren when they are young and helpless. They provide them with all they needas much as they can. Moreover, they do it willingly. Children take what theyare given unaware of how much effort their parents exert in order to earn moneyfor them. When the children grow up and their parents are in need of theirsupport, that support must come naturally, without letting the parents feelthemselves to be a burden on their children.

Apart from financial support, children must respect and honor their parents andextend to them the sort of treatment that befits their status as parents. Inany social occasion, and even when they go out with their parents on thestreet, children must not precede their parents or take a higher or morefavorable position than theirs. Children should always allow their parents totake precedence. In Muslim societies, that sort of treatment always earnschildren more respect. Muslim society looks down on anyone who do not extend totheir parents the standard of honorable treatment expected from children.

Moreover, children are expected to do as their parents tell them. From theIslamic point of view, this does not apply only when a child is young. As longas a son or a daughter is able to grant the wishes of their parents, and bydoing so they neither incur any sin, nor jeopardize any greater interest, thenthey should do so as if these wishes of their parents were commands. There isnothing excessive in this. It does not impose a great, heavy burden. Normally,a parent is easy to please. Even when parents ask for something that is difficultto obtain, children can maneuver their way to please their parents withoutundertaking any great difficulty. Some parents may be unreasonable in theirdemands, especially when they live with their son in the same house. Relationsbetween his wife and his mother may be occasionally strained. A mother may feelthat her daughter-in-law takes her son away from her. That may lead to frictionbetween the two. A wise son tries his best to reconcile his mother's rightswith those of his wife. He must not be unfair to either. Should his mother askhim to divorce his wife, he must not do so if his wife fulfills her dutiestoward him and his mother. All that a daughter-in-law is required to do towardsher mother-in-law is to look after her in a reasonable manner.

Even in such kind treatment, children are only paying back a debt to theirparents. No matter how great a burden the children bear, they do not pay themback adequately. It is very rare that a parent is so ill and handicapped thathe or she needs to be looked after in the same way as a baby is looked after byhis parents. `Abdullah ibn `Umar, a leading scholar among the Prophet'sCompanions once saw a man from

Yemen

carrying his mother onhis back and going around the Ka`bah in his Tawaf. Rather than show any sign ofcomplaint, the man was happy, repeating a line of poetry in which he likenedhimself to a camel his mother was mounting. The only difference is that a camelmay be scared by something and go out of control. He would never go out of hercontrol. He looked at `Abdullah ibn `Umar and asked him whether by so doing hedischarged his debt to his mother. Ibn `Umar said, "No. You have not evenpaid back one twinge of her labor pain when she gave birth to you."(Al-Bukhari in Al-Adab Al-Mufrad and authenticated by Al-albani)

That was not an exaggeration by Ibn `Umar. The Prophet (peace and blessings ofAllah be upon him) defines the only way through which children repay theirparents fully. He said, as related by Al-Bukahri in his book Al-Adab Al-Mufradand by Muslim and others on the authority of Abu Hurairah, "No childrepays his parent fully unless he finds him a slave, then he buys him and setshim free."

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