Your boss tells you that you did a good job on a project, but it doesn't please you. It makes you feel that he or she will expect more of you, and you will have to do even better to match those expectations. The praise and recognition was translated into more demands, extra effort and anxiety that you may fail to reach the new goals. Your partner offers to pay for a joint vacation. You feel irritated and react in a hostile manner. What you take in is that there are strings attached and hate being placed in a position of obligation.



It is as if there is no template or emotional receptor site that can recognize and welcome nurturing experiences at face value. The signals that fire your emotional receptors are activated by one part of the entire experience. It is called your internal armor. This protector talks loudly and warns you that what may appear pleasant and innocuous probably has a sting in the tail. It comes to guard you from being taken in, manipulated and made a fool of. It tells you not to trust anything that may look and feel good at first sight. How did this happen? How come others can serve themselves from the buffet of praise and complements and enjoy their meal, going back for more, while you get food poisoning, diarrhea, bloating or constipation?

Sally's experience can illuminate this phenomena. She grew up feeling that she was not good enough for her parents. The only way she could begin to get their attention let alone any responses was to try to do things for them. It began by cleaning in the kitchen, taking care of her father when he was sick, and doing well at school. The reaction she got was barely perceptible. Far from appreciation or gratitude, she felt ignored and unrecognized. She gave and gave, believing that if only she did enough of the right things she would make herself visible and indispensable. That seemed to be the only way to her parents hearts. But they showed little feeling for her and were either self-absorbed in their own unhappy lives, or putting their efforts into their middle child who became the carrier of their vanquished hopes and dreams.

Sally was heartbroken, disappointed and emotionally empty. She became angry and resented all the efforts she had put in to no avail. The more she did the more was expected. She never got a smile of thanks, a positive word of encouragement or permission to get on with her life. Despite her anger and sense of futility, her hope that she would eventually get recognition and be taken care of never died. Her way of interacting with people was to offer to serve them, quietly demanding that they would then reciprocate. They did, but she couldn't recognize it. What she saw was that they just wanted more from her.

Many people in Sally's life responded to her need to be loved and taken care of. But the receptors for receiving genuine love and care had long since atrophied and Sally had no idea what real caring was like. Relationships become onerous, and potentially positive interactions get turned into demanding, selfish and unfair encounters. She would draw away from people if they wanted to go out with her. When friends lent her things, Sally felt there were hidden obligations and expectations. The gifts became burdens.

Sally's receptors for authentic giving had never been planted, watered and fed, so they never developed. As a result she was unable to feel any of the available love, caring and concern that was there for the asking. The only receptors that had been fed were the protectors and guards. They grew so big that they shut out the light and took up all the space. There was no room for the receptors for love and caring to live. It made Sally feel envious of others who were cared for, furious that she had to take care of herself without any support and bitter that no one was there for her.

Since Sally couldn't feel the love and caring offered to her, she always felt empty. Her emotional stomach growled with hunger. It made her irritable and tired. Trying to live on an empty stomach is virtually impossible. Her envy and rage became her fuel and that is what she existed on.

Wanting unconditional love is natural, allowing yourself to experience it is difficult if your emotional receptors only respond to it as if it were dangerous. It can turn you into a withholding, untouchable and unreachable person. But it is never too late to begin to nurse the receptors for accepting genuine love, and allowing them to guide you as to what is trustworthy. That process has to begin with you giving yourself some of the caring you yearn for. When you revive those dormant receptors you will learn to feel love and empathy for yourself. Only after that will you be able to recognize when others are loving and caring for you - and bask in it.

Copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.