No matter what our financial background, we all have unique money stories imprinted upon us from a young age. And whether were conscious or not of what weve absorbed, we all pass along these stories, feelings and attitudes to our children, partners, friends and colleagues. Even if you dont talk much about the topic, that in itself, is part of your story.



The first step in getting a handle on your money story is to figure out what your parents or other childhood models taught you about money. This influence is so strong that most adults recreate family money dynamics -- the familiar -- in one of three ways:

1. Being attracted and attractive to people who are similar to those childhood models

2. Interpreting other peoples behaviour as being similar to your parents or childhood models(whether its the same or not)

3. Doing all you can to get the other person to exhibit familiar behaviours.

Heres the kicker: Even if you consciously choose someone whos different from your mom or dad, its likely youll unconsciously try to change that person so they fit into the family blueprint (which is why we often get angry at a partner for not being who we want them to be). What you can do to address your money story from ruining future relationships

Here are some tips:

Tip #1: Ask yourself, How did my parents or other role models relate with one another over money? What did I see them do? How did they talk to one another about money? What did they teach me, directly and indirectly? Another excellent way to uncover this truth is to make a list: My father said the following about money... and My mother said the following about money... Review these lists and circle anything that is similar to the way you or your partner behaved.

Tip #2: Get clear on your real feelings about your parents and your unresolved upsets with them. Do you feel in separation, divorce or widowhood that your family did not give you the proper foundation to help you now cope? Did you get married as a safe haven from having to address many issues of independence? Write a letter to your parents venting any negative feelings, and read it every day for at least three days -- and then burn it.

Tip #3: Did you communicate about money with your former spouse by getting upset or by shutting down? Since honesty is crucial to building trust, how honest were you with yourself and your partner? Did you simply just hand over the reins of power to avoid conflict? Was this your form of honesty and trust building? Did you imply or actually say, I leave it to you, I trust you to take care of me? These are powerful questions you need to ask yourself to get to the bottom of your money story. After all, your money story is a vital key to regaining healthy self-esteem after divorce or during widowhood. The more honest you are, the more likely for your money story to have a happy ending. (Or the easier to turn your lump of coal into a diamond.) Remember, if you dont address these patterns, they simply repeat themselves in future relationships.

Understanding the root cause of your anxiety

In divorce or after the death of a spouse most of us are quick to seek help. We often turn to health professionals to better understand our heartache and how to make it well again. But while looking after your well being is critical to your emotional health, dont ignore the health of your financial situation. Perhaps you ignored this while married. If youre now alone, this lack of knowledge may be the root cause of your fear and anxiety.

Dont pooh-pooh the idea of a money coach professional Odd, but most of us dont think of getting a professional money coach to help us handle specific issues that seem too complex or difficult to resolve on our own. Yet in many cases, talking to a money coach is the best and quickest way to intervene and stop recurrent money problems. Over and over again, I hear the common refrain: I dont have money to invest, therefore I dont need help with my money. Yes, money management does encompass the outer game of wealth building and well-being. It is, however, more than just investing. It can include:

Credit and debt management

Insurance - disability, loss of wages, health, etc.

Childrens education plans

Tax strategies

Investment strategies

Succession planning

Business succession planning

A money coach professional can help you manage your thoughts so you have the tools and resources to take action to help ensure that youre protected and able to select the right resources to support your emotional and financial well being. By trying to answer some of todays questions, youre starting on a path to financial healing. This is an enormous step and one that is guaranteed to help build a foundation for healthy self-esteem.