You've dated for a while, had good times, deep conversations, great sex, and wonderfully intimate moments. You've consulted each other on all sorts of personal issues. He knows your weight. You know his flaws and more than a few of his secrets. You're poised to take the next step, but he hasn't even hinted that he's ready to ask you that long-awaited question. What's up?



1. He hasn't thought of it

He doesn't need to get married the way you do. It doesn't add much to his life to ?be able to say? he's married. Some guys think it will diminish their sense of power and mystique to have a wifey at home. But you're not the wifey type, are you? You're strong, smart, capable and alluring. Make sure he senses that. (Hint: Show, do not tell.)

2. You're his virtual wife already?why should he make it formal?

You already cook for him, take him clothes-shopping, give him advice, sex, comfort, and soothe his wounds. He may be in no rush to have kids (his biological clock isn't his biggest issue!), and besides, everybody seems to be having kids without marrying.

Think of a gourmet supermarket. They give you samples of their amazing organic white-chocolate cookies. Tiny tastes that make you weep for more. They do not give you cookies the size of your head. So?..

If you want to marry him, it has to be worth his while. Ask yourself: What does he get if he marries me that he doesn't get if we keep things the way they are?and is that valuable to him? Get the correct answer to this, put it into action, and start looking for a white gown!

3. He worries about what he'd lose in the divorce

I know, he shouldn't be thinking about this. But men are into self protection. And their money is the second most precious thing to them. (You know what the first is.) The more he trusts you, and the more he feels sure divorce is not in his future if he marries you, the quicker this fear goes away.

How to make it vanish? Alignment. Align with his fears, hopes, wishes, worries, dreams and goals. Make him trust you, legitimately. Unless he's one of those can't-trust-women types, he's yours if you put in the effort. By the way, if you two are not aligned about the important things, dump him, now.

4. None of his pals are married, not happily married anyway

This is tough. Or maybe super easy. Got some male friends who are happily married? Got some female friends whose husbands are happily married? Are these guys the kind your man would admire or like? Great! Set up lots of double dates. Never, and I mean never, point out anything about these couples? great marriages and how the husbands are thriving. Let him witness for himself. No gentle nudging either.

5. He likes it the way it is, why change?

Lucky for you, eventually he'll realize he's getting older. Not as quickly as women realize it, but the time does come when guys realize they don't want to be alone forever (who'll rub ointment into their arthritic feet someday?) If he speaks of such things, agree that it's a valid concern. Say nothing more.

6. He is in no hurry biologically or emotionally

In the past, women had to rush. Those eggs had a very early expiration date.

Today women can trick biology'to a degree. But guys can wait longer with less consequence. And for most guys, earning money is supplying plenty of satisfaction, so they're not thinking about having kids immediately to increase their fulfillment quotient.

However, for the average man, having, raising, and financially supporting his biological children?and adding his genes to the gene pool?help define his manhood, whether he knows it or not. He will probably want kids. The question is: will it be with you and in your timeframe? To manage that, review points 1-5.

7. He's afraid to ask (but don't count on it)

Unless he's a nerd, a geek, or very shy (don't sniff?these guys can make GREAT hubbies!), he's not afraid. He just isn't ready, hasn't thought of it, or frankly doesn't want to. So if you really don't wait any longer, best to get his thoughts on marriage now. That includes his thoughts on marrying you. You may not like the answer, but at least you'll know. If you have time to spare, wait, watch, theorize, and work through 1-6 several times. The results may surprise you both.

? 2007 By Wendy Lapidus-Saltz. All rights reserved.