I used to drive a racecar, but i won every single time,   I once met the great Elvis Prestley, way back in his prime.   A pilot had a heart attack, yeah so I had to land the plane,    I once saved a little kid from drowndin' [sic]    I invented cellophane.      I used to be a millionaire, I'd drop a thousand bucks a day,   that made all the more lonely, so I threw it all away.   I've lived almost everywhere, probably right in your own neighborhood.   I once broke out of prison,    and I hid out in the woods.      It was there that I discovered a dinosaur, and I drive a blue Corvette.   I once swam clear across Lake Erie, without even getting wet.   Cause I'm the guy who saved the show, cause I knew how to fix a fuse.   Are these pretzels complimentary?    Well I don't mind if I do.      I used to play the guitar myself, till a press crushed my hand.   Have you heard of the great Otis Redding? Well I played in his band.   I once worked as a miner, I was an actor for a little while off in France.   And my uncle's cousin's brother,    taught Fred Astaire to dance*      Cause if you ask me how to Tango, I'll wear down any rug.   Cause have you seen the way those kids all dance today, I swear they're all on drugs.   I could drink me a million drinks, if a million drinks did appear.   But I only got enough,   for one more little beer.      *The version that Danny used to play live, before this song went on    his album Fibsville, originally went:   "Have you ever heard of Winona Ryder,    Well I got in her..."