One for the trouble, two for the time      The neophyte lays down the law   And the choir boy plays five card draw   All the news that's fit to print   Rolls right off, don't make a dent      Diamond Jim, where you hiding?   Diamond Jim, where you hiding?   When Diamond Jim gets back   Diamond Jim will know just what to do      The mannequin takes off her clothes   And the clowns are laughing at your nose   The weatherman he is the news   And Dick Clark's got the tombstone blues      Right, Diamond Jim, where you hiding?   Diamond Jim, where you hiding?   When Diamond Jim gets back   Diamond Jim will know just what to do      Where you been so doggone long?   Diamond Jim, don't you shine me on      Your homeboy's under house arrest   It all feels too real to be a test   The open mikes are out of poems   And the pleasure's leaking from the domes      Alright, Diamond Jim, where you hiding?   Diamond Jim, where you hiding?   When Diamond Jim gets back   Diamond Jim will know just what to do      Oh yeah, Diamond Jim, where you hiding?   Diamond Jim, where you hiding?   When Diamond Jim gets back   Diamond Jim will know just what to do      Hey, hey, hey   Diamond Jim gets back   Diamond Jim will know just what to do