Call me a cab and I'll tip the undertaker    That fool couldn't tell a real stiff from a faker    Well I ain't no fool, I just play one on TV    Cause misery loves company    That's why everyone loves me       Now, buy me a drink and I'll tell you all a story    About a bastard who traded in treasure for glory    Well the treasure was true love, the bastard he was me    Cause misery loves company    That's why everyone loves me       Well, I've been a rich man    I've been a poor man    Inside a Saturday night    I've done the works    And there's one thing I know    You can't win if it ain't a fair fight       I ain't seen the pastor since Sunday bloody morning    All the girls in the choir are in labor or mourning    Take one look in my eyes, I think you'll all agree    Cause misery loves company    And that's why everyone loves me       I've done every shit job    Handed out nose jobs    Made a few friends in the tombs    But I've found that in most cases    Fixing the the rat race is   Better than pushing a broom       Now, who shall I marry the junky or the jailer?    Your choices are few when they know you're a failure    But there's one thing that everyone in the bar agrees    That misery loves company    And that's why everyone loves me