by Arlo Guthrie      Wanna hear something? You know that Indians never ate   clams. They didn't have linguini! And so what happened   was that clams was allowed to grow unmolested in the   coastal waters of America for millions of years. And   they got big, and I ain't talking about clams in   general, I'm talking about each clam! I mean each one   was a couple of million years old or older. So imagine   they could have got bigger than this whole room. And   when they get that big, God gives them little feet so   that they could walk around easier. And when they get   feet, they get dangerous. I'm talking about real   dangerous. I ain't talking about sitting under the   water waiting for you. I'm talking about coming after   you.      Imagine being on one of them boats coming over to   discover America, like Columbus or something, standing   there at night on watch, everyone else is either drunk   or asleep. And you're watching for America and the   boat's going up and down. And you don't like it anyhow.   But you gotta stand there and watch, for what. Only he   knows, and he ain't watching. You hear the waves   lapping against the side of the ship. The moon is   going behind the clouds. You hear the pitter patter of   little footprints on deck. IS THAT YOU KIDS? IT AIN'T.   MY GOD. IT'S THIS HUMUNGUS GIANT CLAM!      Imagine those little feet coming on deck. A clam twice   the size of the ship. Feet first. You're standing   there shivering with fear, you grab one of these. This   is a belaying pin. They used to have these stuck in   the holes all around the ship ..you probably didn't   know what this is for; you probably had an idea, but   you were wrong. They used to have these stuck in the   holes all along the sides of the ship. Everywhere.   You wouldn't know what this is for unless you was that   guy that night.      I mean, you'd grab this out of the hole, run on over   there, BAM BAM on them little feet! back into the   ocean would go a hurt, but not defeated, humungus   giant clam. Ready to strike again when opportunity   was better.      You know not even the coastal villages was safe from   them big clams. You know them big clams had an inland   range of about 15 miles. Think of that. I mean our   early pioneers and the settlers built little houses   all up and down the coast you know. A little inland   and stuff like that And they didn't have houses like   we got now, with bathrooms and stuff. They built little   privies out back. And late at night, maybe a kid would   have to go, and he'd go stomping out there in the   moonlight. And all they'd hear for miles around...   (loud clap/belch)....one less kid for America. One more   smiling, smurking, humungus giant clam.      So Americans built forts. Them forts. You know them   pictures of them forts with the wooden points all   around. You probably thought them points was for Indians.   But that's stupid! 'Cause Indians know about doors. But   clams didn't. Even if a clam knew about a door, so what?   A clam couldn't fit in a door. I mean, he'd come stomping   up to a fort at night, put them feet on them points, jump   back crying, tears coming out of them everywhere. But   Americans couldn't live in forts forever. You couldn't   just build one big fort around America. How would you go   to the beach?      So what they did was they formed groups of people. I mean   they had groups of people all up and down the coast form   these little alliances. Like up North it was call the   Clamshell Alliance. And farther down South is was called   the Catfish Alliance. They had these Alliances all up and   down the coast defending themselves against these   threatening monsters. These humungus giant clams. And   they'd go out there, if there was maybe fifteen of them,   they'd be singing songs in fifteen part harmony. And when   one part disappeared, that's how they knew where the clam   would be.      Which is why Americans only sing in four part harmony to   this very day. That proved to be too dangerous. See, what   they did was they'd be singing these songs called Clam   Chanties, and they'd have these big spears called clampoons.   And they'd be walking up and down the beach and the method   they eventually devised where they'd have this guy, the   most strongest heavy duty true blue American, courageous   type dude they could find and they'd have him out there   walking up and down the beach by himself with other chicken   dudes hiding behind the sand dunes somewhere.      He'd be singing the verses. They'd be singing the chorus.   And clams would hear 'em. And clams hate music. So clams   would come out of the water and they'd come after this one   guy. And all you'd see pretty soon was flying all over,   the sand flying UPANDOWNTHEBEACHMANMANCLAMCLAMMANMANCLAM   MANCLAMCLAMMANUPANDDOWNTHEBEACHGOINGTHISWAYANDTHATWAYUP   THEHILLSINTHEWATEROUTOFTHEWATERBEHINDTHETREESEVERYWHERE   FINALLYTHEMANWOULD jump over a big sand dune, roll over   the side, the clam would come over the dune, fall in the   hole and fourteen guys would come out there and stab the   shit out of him with their clampoons.      That's the way it was. That was one way to deal with them.   The other way was to weld two clams together. l don't   believe it. I'm losing it. Hey. What can you do. Another   night shot to hell.      Hey, this was serious back then. This was very serious.   I mean these songs now are just piddley folk songs. But   back then these songs were controversial. These was   radical, almost revolutionary songs. Because times was   different and clams was a threat to America. That's right.   So we want to sing this song tonight about the one last...   You see what they did was there was one man, he was one   of these men, his name will always be remembered, his   name was Reuben Clamzo, and he was one of the last great   clam men there ever was. He stuck the last clam stab,   the last clampoon into the last clam that was ever seen   on this continent.      Knowing he would be out of work in an hour. He did it   anyway so that you and me could go to the beach in   relative safety. That's right. Made America safe for the   likes of you and me. And so we sing this song in his   memory. He went into whaling like most of them guys did.   And he got out of that when he died. You know, clams was   much more dangerous than whales. Clams can run in the   water, on the water or on the ground, and they are so big   sometimes that they can jump and they can spread their   kinda shells and kinda almost fly like one of them flying   squirrels.      You could be standing there thinking that your perfectly   safe and all of a sudden WHOP....That's ' true...And so   this is the song of this guy by the name of Reuben Clamzo,   and the song takes place right after he stabbed this clam   and the clam was, going through this kinda death dance   over on the side somewhere. The song starts there and he   goes into whaling and takes you through the I next...      I sing the part of the guy on the beach by himself. I go   like this: "Poor old Reuben Clamzo" and you go "Clamzo Boys,   Clamzo". That's the part of the fourteen chicken dudes over   on the other side. That's what they used to sing. They'd be   calling these clams out of the water. Like taunting them,   making fun of them. Clams would get real mad and come out.      Here we go. I want you to sing it in case you ever have an   occasion to join such an Alliance. You know some of these   Alliances are still around. Still defending America against   things like them clams. If you ever wants to join one, now   you have some historic background. So you know where these   guys are coming from. It's not just some 60's movement or   something, these things go back a long time.      Notice the distinction you're going to have to make now   between the first and easy "Clamzo Boys Clamzo" and the   more complicated "Clamzo Me Boys Clamzo". Stay serious.   Folk songs are serious. That's what Pete Seeger told me.   "Arlo I only want to tell you one thing...folk songs are   serious". I said "right". Let's do it in C for Clam...   Iet's do it in B...for boy that's a big clam... Iet' s do   it in G for Gee, I hope that big clam don't see me. Let's   do it in F...for he sees me. Let's do it back in A...for A   clam is coming. Better get this song done quick. The Story   of Reuben Clamzo and His Strange Daughter in the Key of A.      1. Oh poor old Reuben Clamzo   (I) Clamzo boys Clamzo   Oh poor old Reuben Clamzo   (II) Clamzo me boys Clamzo      2. Oh, Reuben was no sailor   (Clamzo boys Clamzo) (Refrain I)   So they shipped him on a whaler   (Clamzo me boys Clamzo) (Refrain II)      3. Because he was no beauty (Ref. I)   He would not do his duty (Ref. II)      4. Because he was so dirty (Ref. I)   We gave him five and thirty (Ref. II)      5. Oh Reuben Clamzo's daughter (Ref. I)   She begged her dad for mercy (Ref. II)      6 She brang him wine and water (Ref. I)   And a bit more than she oughta (Ref. II)      7 Well he got his seaman's papers (Ref. I)   He's a terror to the whalers (Ref. II)      8.And he sails where 'er the whalefish blow (Ref I)   As the hardest bastard on the go (Ref. II)      9 Oh poor old Reuben Clamzo (Ref. I)   Oh poor old Reuben Clamzo (Ref. II)