Well, I brought my own '45s   So if you put 'em on   I'll show you my stuff   Haven't you already shown us enough?      Oh, my god, how times have changed   This girl's either blind or completely deranged   Ah, but time seemed to halt   When I was Miss Baltimore Crabs      Childhood dreams for me were cracked   When that damn Shirley Temple, stole my frickin' act   But the crown's in the vault   From when I won Miss Baltimore Crabs      Those poor runner-ups might still hold some grudges   They padded their cups but I screwed the judges   Those broads thought they'd win if a plate they would spin   In their dance, not a chance      'Cause I hit the stage, batons ablaze   While belting high C's and preparing souffles   With that triple somersault   Was how I clinched Miss Baltimore Crabs      Proceed, are you scared we're on live?   No, I'm sure I can cope   Well, this show isn't broadcast   In Cinemascope      I never drank one chocolate malt   No, no desserts for Miss Baltimore Crabs      How many sweaters do you own?   Well, I'm sure, I've got plenty   Let me see, I have three, five   No, wait, I have twenty      I would say ?Oy gevalt'   If I wasn't Miss Baltimore Crabs      A tycoon I wed so cuddly and funny   The old fart dropped dead but left tons of money   So I bought this station so all of the nation could see   Baby amber and me      Do you dance like you dress?   Amber, there's no need to be cruel   Would you swim in an integrated pool?   I sure would, I'm all for integration it's the new frontier   Not in Baltimore it isn't and may I be frank?      First impressions can be tough   And when I saw you, I knew it   If your size weren't enough   Your last answer just blew it      And so, my dear, so short and stout   You'll never be in so we're kicking you out   You can't get past me kid but it isn't your fault   It's hard to get rid of Miss Baltimore Crabs      You may go, thank you? Gee Tracy, that went well   Hello, may I please audition?   No, but you can bow and exalt   'Cause I am Miss Baltimore Crabs, Crabs, Crabs, Crabs