Not long ago I went through the gate of dreams   I came to the famous City of Destruction   Where now a shuttle runs to the Emerald City   With air miles and big group reductions   So I went to the ticket office where Evangelist sat   And reserved seats through credit card calls   I said ' How does it feel now they changed your job?'   He said 'Now I don't feel anything at all'      As we moved off I looked down on the Myre of Despair   From a bridge that passed a thousand miles above   Its legs were made of books that they'd thrown into the mud   And the books were of philosophy and love   As we reached the Hill of Difficulty, we waited for a climb   They'd dug a tunnel through the center of the stone   And with the excess rock, well the valley became landfill   Where once you'd had to walk down there alone      All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle   For a journey free of care, for a journey free of trouble   All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle   For all those who seek the truth but don't have the time to get there   Don't have the time to get there      The train ride felt so smooth that I put my feet up   Barely noticing the motion of the carriage   The stewardess was Prudence with her sister Charity   For fifteen grand they'd sell their hands in marriage   And just as we were entering the Valley of Death   I expected to be plunged into the darkness   But the company had floodlit the underground gloom   Taken care not to make this place seem joyless      All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle   For a journey free of care, for a journey free of trouble   All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle   For all those with the money, just tender up the fare   Just tender up the fare      It looked like we stopped at the mouth of Hell itself   But they said it was a now-extinct volcano   And if you'd seen the demons seemed to emanate from there   You'd have taken the guidebook at its say so   But some of my companions they would not get back in   They'd heard that heaven it was vastly over-rated   The weather here was warmer, and drinking was allowed   And they thought they'd see us come back here much later      All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle   For a journey free of care, for a journey free of trouble   All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle   You could be home by now, if you lived there   If you lived there      After boarding no new passengers we went upon our way   Past the place where Pope and Pagan ruled with terror   But now the giant Scientology had eaten them for breakfast   And bought all the property around her   At a city called Vanity we stayed for the night   Where one's every whim was catered for and sated   The shuttle brought prosperity and business in its wake   And an attitude that never gets outdated      So all aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle   For a journey free of care, for a journey free of trouble   All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle   For all those seeing double, just tender up the fare   Just tender up the fare      So Charming was the city with its profitable fair   The inhabitants claimed it was the only heaven   And said that only dreamers ever venture beyond its gates   And go to that land of Never-Never   And in this city an education came without a school   The shops sold one alongside praise and honor   Reputations and honour went on sale at the fair   And conscience could buy almost any of them      All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle   For a journey free of care, for a journey free of trouble   All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle   The most efficient way to go, it's the best way to get there   It's the best way to get there      And I stayed in the city, til I became like those   Who lived there and abandoned their old questions   Til I saw some pilgrims who'd walked the journey's length   Standing at the edge of its dimensions   'Friend let me tell you' said the Speaker to my ear   'The whole concept of the shuttle is a Bubble   You can pay the fare and travel for the rest of your life   You'll never get anywhere but trouble   Cos the train is only progress and it isn't a roundtrip   And just in case the whole thing should explode   The Lord of the Good City he will never let you in   And he grants no kind of permit to the railroad'      I got back on the train and my companions they were few   My hopes with the suburbs disappearing   We saw the Silver Mine and the Castle of Despair   And we saw our destination it was nearing   Saw the gates of that fair city, beyond a river lay   A blinding light shone from the other side   A ferry boat was waiting to carry us over   It was built of paper and everybody died      All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle   For a journey free of care, for a journey free of trouble   All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle   For all those who want the truth but have no time to get there   All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle   Just say what you've got, we'll sell you a fare   All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle   We'll look after you so good that you won't wanna get there   You won't wanna get there