MRS. LOVETT:   Seems a downright shame...   TODD: Shame?   LOVETT:   Seems an awful waste...   Such a nice, plump frame   Wot's 'is name has...   Had...   Has!   Nor it can't be traced...   Bus'ness needs a lift,   Debts to be erased...   Think of it as thrift,   As a gift,   If you get my drift!      No?      Seems an awful waste...   I mean, with the price of meat   What it is,   When you get it,   If you get it...      TODD: HAH!   LOVETT:   Good, you got it!      Take, for instance, Mrs. Mooney and her pie shop!   Bus'ness never better using only pussycats and toast!   And a pussy's good for maybe six or seven at the most!   And I'm sure they can't compare as far as taste!      TODD:   Mrs. Lovett, what a charming notion   LOVETT:   Well, it does seem a waste...      TODD:   Eminently practical   And yet appropriate as always!   LOVETT:   It's an idea...      TODD:   Mrs. Lovett, how I've lived   Without you all these years, I'll never know!   How delectable!   Also undetectable!   LOVETT:   Think about it!   Lots of other gentlemen'll   Soon be comin' for a shave,   Won't they?   Think of   All them   Pies!      TODD:   How choice!   How   Rare!      TODD:   For what's the sound of the world out there?   LOVETT:   What, Mr. Todd?   What, Mr. Todd?   What is that sound?   TODD:   Those crunching noises pervading the air!   LOVETT:   Yes, Mr. Todd!   Yes, Mr. Todd!   Yes, all around!   TODD:   It's man devouring man, my dear!   BOTH:   And [LOVETT: Then] who are we to deny it in here?      TODD: These are desperate times,   Mrs. Lovett, and desperate measures are called for!   LOVETT: Here we are, now! Hot out of the oven!   TODD: What is that?      LOVETT:   It's priest. Have a little priest.   TODD:   Is it really good?   LOVETT:   Sir, it's too good, at least!   Then again, they don't commit sins of the flesh,   So it's pretty fresh.   TODD:   Awful lot of fat.   LOVETT:   Only where it sat.   TODD:   Haven't you got poet, or something like that?   LOVETT:   No, y'see, the trouble with poet is   'Ow do you know it's deceased?   Try the priest!      TODD: Heavenly!   Not as hearty as bishop, perhaps,   but then again, not as bland as curate, either!      LOVETT:   And good for business, too -- always leaves you wantin' more!   Trouble is, we only get it on Sundays!      Lawyer's rather nice.   TODD:   If it's for a price.   LOVETT:   Order something else, though, to follow,   Since no one should swallow it twice!   TODD:   Anything that's lean.   LOVETT:   Well, then, if you're British and loyal,   You might enjoy Royal Marine!   Anyway, it's clean.   Though of course, it tastes of wherever it's been!   TODD:   Is that squire,   On the fire?   LOVETT:   Mercy no, sir, look closer,   You'll notice it's grocer!   TODD:   Looks thicker,   More like vicar!   LOVETT:   No, it has to be grocer --   It's green!      TODD:   The history of the world, my love --   LOVETT:   Save a lot of graves,   Do a lot of relatives favors!   TODD:   Is those below serving those up above!   LOVETT:   Ev'rybody shaves,   So there should be plenty of flavors!   TODD:   How gratifying for once to know   BOTH:   That those above will serve those down below!      LOVETT: (spoken) Now let's see, here... We've got tinker.   TODD: Something... pinker.   LOVETT: Tailor?   TODD: Paler.   LOVETT: Butler?   TODD: Subtler.   LOVETT: Potter?   TODD: Hotter.   LOVETT: Locksmith?      Lovely bit of clerk.   TODD:   Maybe for a lark.   LOVETT:   Then again there's sweep   If you want it cheap   And you like it dark!   Try the financier,   Peak of his career!   TODD:   That looks pretty rank.   LOVETT:   Well, he drank,   It's a bank   Cashier.   Never really sold.   Maybe it was old.   TODD:   Have you any Beadle?   LOVETT:   Next week, so I'm told!   Beadle isn't bad till you smell it and   Notice 'ow well it's been greased...   Stick to priest!      Now then, this might be a little bit stringy,   but then of course it's... fiddle player!   TODD: No, this isn't fiddle player -- it's piccolo player!   LOVETT: 'Ow can you tell?   TODD: It's piping hot!   LOVETT: Then blow on it first!      TODD:   The history of the world, my sweet --   LOVETT:   Oh, Mr. Todd,   Ooh, Mr. Todd,   What does it tell?   TODD:   Is who gets eaten, and who gets to eat!   LOVETT:   And, Mr. Todd,   Too, Mr. Todd,   Who gets to sell!   TODD:   But fortunately, it's also clear   BOTH:   That [L: But] ev'rybody goes down well with beer!      LOVETT:   Since marine doesn't appeal to you, 'ow about... rear admiral?   TODD: Too salty. I prefer general.   LOVETT: With, or without his privates? "With" is extra.      TODD: What is that?   LOVETT:   It's fop.   Finest in the shop.   And we have some shepherd's pie peppered   With actual shepherd on top!   And I've just begun --   Here's the politician, so oily   It's served with a doily,   Have one!   TODD:   Put it on a bun.   Well, you never know if it's going to run!   LOVETT:   Try the friar,   Fried, it's drier!   TODD:   No, the clergy is really   Too coarse and too mealy!   LOVETT:   Then actor,   That's compacter!   TODD:   Yes, and always arrives overdone!   I'll come again when you have JUDGE on the menu!      LOVETT: Wait! True, we don't have judge yet,   but we've got something you might fancy even better.   TODD: What's that?   LOVETT: Executioner!      TODD:   Have charity towards the world, my pet!   LOVETT:   Yes, yes, I know, my love!   TODD:   We'll take the customers that we can get!   LOVETT:   High-born and low, my love!   TODD:   We'll not discriminate great from small!   No, we'll serve anyone,   Meaning anyone,   BOTH:   And to anyone   At all!