Well, your skeletons in the closet are introducing themselves   The knick-knacks wisecrack there on the shelf   You told him that you loved him, but he's hissin' at you   What else is new, what else is new, what else is new      Cause your old man's a counterfeit, your daughter's a lush   It's you and Mickey Spillane, and the lady's in a hush(?)   Someone's stealin' your heart, someone's stealin' your car   What else is new      Well now, your creditors hate you, and so do your kids   Your footballin' sweetheart is down on the skids   And now the parks are full of fugitives, the trees are on fire   What else is new, what else is new      Now you see, the cigarette machines are busted, you can't get no change   And somebody cancels everything you arrange   For every invitation gets your RSVP   What else is new, what else is new, what else is new, what else is new      Well now, the rockin' chair's busted, your ashtrays are full   Your evenings and your afternoons are usually dull   So you toast to the Toastmaster toaster and you   What else is new, what else is new, what else is new, what else is new      You gotta tell me, what else is new   What else is new   What else is new, what else is new, what else is new   What else is new