Uncle Vernon, Uncle Vernon, independent as a hog on ice   He's a big shot down there at the slaughterhouse   Plays accordion for Mr. Weiss      Uncle Biltmore and Uncle William   Made a million during World War Two   But they're tightwads and they're cheapskates   And they'll never give a dime to you      Auntie Mame has gone insane   She lives in the doorway of an old hotel   And the radio is playing opera   All she ever says is "Go to hell"      Uncle Violet flew as a pilot   And there ain't no pretty girls in France   Now he runs a tiny little bookie joint   They say he never keeps it in his pants      Uncle Bill will never leave a will   And the tumor is as big as an egg   He has a mistress, she's Puerto Rican   And I heard she has a wooden leg      Uncle Phil can't live without his pills   He has emphysema and he's almost blind   And we must find out where the money is   Get it now before he loses his mind      Uncle Vernon, Uncle Vernon, independent as a hog on ice   He's a big shot down there at the slaughterhouse   He plays accordion for Mr. Weiss