You could hear the hoof beats pound   As they raced across the ground   And the clatter of the wheels   As they spun round and round   And he galloped into Market Street   His badge upon his chest   His name was Ernie   And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west     Now Ernie loved a widow   A lady known as Sue   She lived all alone in Linley Lane   At number twenty two   They said she was too good for him   She was haughty, proud and chic   But Ernie got his cocoa there   Three times every week   They called him Ernie (Ernie)   And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west     She said she'd like to bathe in milk   He said alright sweetheart   And when he finished work one night   He loaded up the cart   He said you wanted pasturised   Coz pasturised is best   She says Ernie I'll be happy   If it comes up to me chest   And that tickled old Ernie (Ernie)   And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west     Now Ernie had a rival   An evil looking man   Called Two Ton Ted from Teddington   And he drove the baker's van   He tempted her with his treacle tarts   And his tasty wholemeal bread   And when she saw the size   Of his hot meat pies   It very near turned her head   She nearly swooned at his macaroon   And he said now if you treat me right   You'll have hot rolls evry morning   And crumpets every night   He knew once she'd sampled his layer cake   He'd have his wicked way   And all Ernie had to offer   Was a pint of milk a day   Poor Ernie (Ernie)   And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west     One lunchtime Ted saw Ernie's horse and cart outside her door   It drove him mad to find it was still there at half past four   And as he leaped down from of his van   Hot blood through his veins did course   And he went across to Ernie's cart   And he didnarf kick his horse   Who's name was Trigger (Trigger)   And he pulled the fastest milkcart in the west     Now Ernie rushed out into the street   His goldtop in his hand   He said if you want to marry Susie   You'll fight for her like a man   Oh why don't we play cards for her   He sneeringly replied   And just to make it interesting   We'll have a shilling on the side   Now Ernie dragged him from his van   And beneath the blazing sun   They stood there face to face   And Ted went for his bun   But Ernie was to quick   Things didn't go the way Ted planned   And a strawberry flavoured youghurt   Sent it spinning from his hand   Now Sue she ran between them   And tried to keep them apart   And Ernie pushed her aside   And a rock cake caught him underneath his heart   And he looked up in pained surprise   As the concrete hardened crust   Of a stale pork pie caught him in the eye   And Ernie bit the dust   Poor Ernie (Ernie)   And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west     Ernie was only fifty-two, he didn't want to die   Now he's gone to make deliveries   In that milkround in the sky   Where the customers are angels   And ferocious dogs are banned   And a milkman's life is full of fun   In that fairy dairy land   But a woman's needs are many fold   And Sue she married Ted   But strange things happened on their wedding night   As they lay in their bed   Was that the trees a rustling   Or the hinges of the gate   Or Ernie's ghostly goldtop a rattling in their crate   They won't forget Ernie (Ernie)   And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west