Verse 1   If you can keep your head when it falls off   And pee in a cup at the doctor's office   Then Barney and Big Bird songs will make you sing      If you believe Travis will marry an ex-nun   Then the world is already done      If the end times come at the beginning   And if the Backstreet Boys and Spice Girls come back again   If Justin Timberlake plays golf with Bill Clinton   Then Carmen might lick the floor      Chorus:   If Harry Potter hates pottery   And Bugs Bunny is allergic to carrots   If Miss Cleo gets out of jail, and dies   She'll go to hell   If the band teacher melts the tuba   If you are tired of all these ifs   If...if you      Verse 2   If you can hang out with gays and still be straight   Or be around sluts, yet still be modest   If Britney Spears is your friend, then let a hobo be your best friend   If you claim to be a virgin but still mess around   If you say you're not a pothead but cocaine's your still   And if you eat veggies but support slaughtering of cows   Then you will be in a mental house as a man, my daughter      Repeat Chorus      Verse 3   If that ex-nun marries an ex-priest   If beauty dumps the beast   If Carmen decides to forget Brent   And if Mr. Pres forgets to pay his rent   If we decide, we will go!   Repeat Chorus 2x   ~END~