one bright and sunny mornin' down on avenue b   as i was returnin' home from a night of debauchery   i met me landlord boris, "yo," sez he,   "would ya ever go over to czechoslovakia,   marry me daughter for me?"      he waved a pistol and 5000 dollars in me face   "she better be a virgin, when she hits the states"   i told him i had some business with the pope in rome   so he threw in a ticket to italy on me way back home      would you ever go over to czechoslovakia, marry me daughter for me   she's the finest girl in prague, you'll ever see   her name is citizen gertie, a communist is she   she wants to come to america, be a capitalist like me      when i landed in slovakia, i drank a dozen pints   but when i caught a glimpse of gertie i nearly died of fright   she was 6 feet in her stockings, she viewed me with dismay   "is this the best they can do for me in the dear old usa?"      but despite me splittin' headache, i wooed her like a man   and very soon thereafter we were married in prague   i remembered boris' pistol and me vow of chastity   but when she pinned me to the bed that night, i gave up instantly..      bright and early next mornin' i went to see the pope in rome   gertie left for america, make new york her home   she landed down on avenue b lookin' for a mansion grand   boris was drunk, the building stunk, the city was mad   she'd been had,   this was the height of depravity - not what she'd seen on mtv...      i wasn't farin' much better with the holy father in rome   some turkish wiseguy whacked him and he wasn't even at home   so i landed back in new york oh so sad   stared down the barrel of boris's gun, jeez was he ever mad   he accused me of buggerin' his daughter but to make matters worse   she'd spent over 20 grand in macys and in saks   she sat there in her underwear, gave me a dirty wink   but when i thought about the credit cards me love began to shrink      so we drove her out to kennedy 14 trunks and all   and we said a prayer for the holy father back in rome   but as her plane rose over rockaway, boris he said to me   "would you ever go over to czechoslovakia and marry me daughter for me..."