Once that you've decided on a killing   First you make a stone of your heart   And if you find that your hands are still willing   Then you can turn a murder into art      There really isn't any need for bloodshed   Just do it with a little more finesse   If you can slip a tablet into someone's coffee   Then it avoids an awful lot of mess      Because it's murder by numbers   One, two, three   It's as easy to learn   As your ABC   It's murder by numbers   One, two, three   It's as easy to learn   As your ABC      Now if you have a taste for this experience   And you're flushed with your very first success   Then you must try a twosome or a threesome   And you'll find your conscience bothers you much less      Because murder is like anything you take to   It's a habit-forming need for more and more   You can bump off every member of your family   And anybody else you find a bore      Because it's murder by numbers   One, two, three   It's as easy to learn   As your ABC   It's murder by numbers   One, two, three   It's as easy to learn   As your ABC      Now you can join the ranks of the illustrious   In history's great dark hall of fame   All our greatest killers were industrious   At least the ones that we all know by name      But you can reach the top of your profession   If you become the leader of the land   For murder is the sport of the elected   And you don't need to lift a finger of your hand      Because it's murder by numbers   One, two, three   It's as easy to learn   As your ABC   It's murder by numbers   One, two, three   It's as easy to learn   As your ABCDE      It's murder by numbers   One, two, three   It's as easy to learn   As your ABC   It's murder by numbers   One, two, three   It's as easy to learn   As your ABC      Murder by numbers   One, two, three   It's as easy to learn   Just turn on your TV