DRINKER THREE   Come on you old pest      DRINKER TWO   Fetch a bottle of your best      DRINKER ONE   What's the nectar of the day?      (Thenardier enters with a flask of wine)      THENARDIER   Here, try this lot   Guaranteed to hit the spot   Or I'm not Thenardier      DRINKERS   Gissa glass a rum   Landlord, over here!      THENARDIER   Right away, you scum (to himself)   Right away, m'sieur (to customer)      DINER ONE   God this place has gone to hell      DINER TWO   So you tell me every year      DRINKER SIX   Mine host Thenardier   He was there so they say,   At the field of Waterloo      DRINKER SEVEN   Got there, it's true   When the fight was all through      DRINKER ONE   But he knew just what to do   Crawling through the mud   So I've heard it said   Picking through the pockets   Of the English dead      DRINKER EIGHT   He made a tidy score   From the spoils of war      THENARDIER   My band of soaks   My den of dissolutes   My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts.   My sons of whores   Spent their lives in my inn   Homing pigeons homing in   They fly through my doors   And their money's as good as yours      DINER ONE   Ain't got a clue   What he put in this stew   Must have scraped it off the street      DINER TWO   God what a wine!   Chateau Neuf de Turpentine   Must have pressed it with his feet      DRINKERS   Landlord over here!   Where's the bloody man?   One more for the road!   Thenardier, one more slug o' gin.      GIRL   Just one more, or my old man is gonna do me in.      (Thenardier greets a new customer)      THENARDIER   Welcome, M'sieur   Sit yourself down   And meet the best   Innkeeper in town   As for the rest,   All of 'em crooks   Rooking their guests   And cooking the books.   Seldom do you see   Honest men like me   A gent of good intent   Who's content to be      Master of the house   Doling out the charm   Ready with a handshake   And an open palm   Tells a saucy tale   Makes a little stir   Customers appreciate a bon-viveur   Glad to do a friend a favor   Doesn't cost me to be nice   But nothing gets you nothing   Everything has got a little price!      Master of the house   Keeper of the zoo   Ready to relieve 'em   Of a sou or two   Watering the wine   Making up the weight   Pickin' up their knick-knacks   When they can't see straight   Everybody loves a landlord   Everybody's bosom friend   I do whatever pleases   Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end!      THENARDIER & CHORUS   Master of the house   Quick to catch yer eye   Never wants a passerby   To pass him by   Servant to the poor   Butler to the great   Comforter, philosopher,   And lifelong mate!   Everybody's boon companion   Everybody's chaperone      THENARDIER   But lock up your valises   Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone!      (To another new customer)      THENARDIER   Enter M'sieur   Lay down your load   Unlace your boots   And rest from the road      (Taking his bag)      This weighs a ton   Travel's a curse   But here we strive   To lighten your purse   Here the goose is cooked   Here the fat is fried   And nothing's overlooked   Till I'm satisfied...      Food beyond compare   Food beyond belief   Mix it in a mincer   And pretend it's beef   Kidney of a horse   Liver of a cat   Filling up the sausages   With this and that      Residents are more than welcome   Bridal suite is occupied   Reasonable charges   Plus some little extras on the side!      Charge 'em for the lice   Extra for the mice   Two percent for looking in the mirror twice   Here a little slice   There a little cut   Three percent for sleeping with the window shut   When it comes to fixing prices   There are a lot of tricks he knows   How it all increases   All those bits and pieces   Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!      THENARDIER AND CHORUS   Master of the house   Quick to catch yer eye   Never wants a passerby   To pass him by   Servant to the poor   Butler to the great   Comforter, philosopher,   And lifelong mate!   Everybody's boon companion   Gives 'em everything he's got      THENARDIER   Dirty bunch of geezers   Jesus! What a sorry little lot!      MME. THENARDIER   I used to dream   That I would meet a prince   But God Almighty,   Have you seen what's happened since?   `Master of the house?'   Isn't worth me spit!   `Comforter, philosopher'   - and lifelong shit!   Cunning little brain   Regular Voltaire   Thinks he's quite a lover   But there's not much there   What a cruel trick of nature   Landed me with such a louse   God knows how I've lasted   Living with this bastard in the house!         THENARDIER & CHORUS   Master of the house.      MME. THENARDIER   Master and a half!      THENARDIER & CHORUS   Comforter, philosopher      MME. THENARDIER   Ah, don't make me laugh!      THENARDIER & CHORUS   Servant to the poor. Butler to the great.      MME. THENARDIER   Hypocrite and toady and inebriate!      THENARDIER & CHORUS   Everybody bless the landlord!   Everybody bless his spouse!      THENARDIER   Everybody raise a glass      MME. THENARDIER   Raise it up the master's arse.      ALL   Everybody raise a glass to the master of the house!