We're all cuddles and smiles   At the press photocall   Though you hate to touch me   And I couldn't love you at all   Because I'm not an ordinary guy   And you're not an ordinary girl   But that's how we have to appear now we're   The best in the world      And The Sun is uncharacteristically wise   When it captions the photograph   'Love on ice'   Love on ice      One perfect couple on four perfect blades   We execute two perfect figures of eight   We accept the bouquets but we'd just like to say   Before these flowers wither like all accolades   I'm only doing this for Christopher   And you're only doing it for Jane      In the Radio Times and on breakfast TV   Our faces appear because young healthy faces   Are what the world's dying to see   In an advert promoting a diet   We skate to a halt and say 'Try it!'   But how could a straight have a figure or skate   Without my anxiety?   And the caption they use in the Radio Times   And over their products is   'Love on ice'   Love on ice      One perfect couple on four perfect blades   We execute two perfect figures of eight   We accept the bouquets but we'd just like to say   Before these flowers wither like all accolades   We want to come out of the closet   We'd give up the life of the stars   If Christopher wasn't our manager   And Jane didn't do our cocaine and our PR      It began to go wrong   But the press wouldn't leave us alone   We lost to a couple of Soviets who skated like robots   And when we came home   The tabloids said I'd died of AIDS   And you'd set up camp with the Greenham Brigades   And the serious papers we offered our story said 'Sorry'   And slammed down the phone   But in City Limits they mentioned us twice   In a feature and letter they titled respectively   'Love on ice' and 'Gay love on Ice'      One perfect couple on four perfect blades   We execute two perfect figures of eight   But the ice is a mirror in which people see   Their nation and their sexuality   And now we've come out of the closet   No-one remembers our names   And Christopher isn't our manager   And we need the PR more than Jane needs our cocaine