I pounded on a farmhouse   Lookin' for a place to stay.   I was mighty, mighty tired,   I had gone a long, long way.   I said, "Hey, hey, in there,   Is there anybody home?"   I was standin' on the steps   Feelin' most alone.   Well, out comes a farmer,   He must have thought that I was nuts.   He immediately looked at me   And stuck a gun into my guts.      I fell down   To my bended knees,   Saying, "I dig farmers,   Don't shoot me, please!"   He cocked his rifle   And began to shout,   "You're that travelin' salesman   That I have heard about."   I said, "No! No! No!   I'm a doctor and it's true,   I'm a clean-cut kid   And I been to college, too."      Then in comes his daughter   Whose name was Rita.   She looked like she stepped out of   La Dolce Vita.   I immediately tried to cool it   With her dad,   And told him what a   Nice, pretty farm he had.   He said, "What do doctors   Know about farms, pray tell?"   I said, "I was born   At the bottom of a wishing well."      Well, by the dirt 'neath my nails   I guess he knew I wouldn't lie.   "I guess you're tired,"   He said, kinda sly.   I said, "Yes, ten thousand miles   Today I drove."   He said, "I got a bed for you   Underneath the stove.   Just one condition   And you go to sleep right now,   That you don't touch my daughter   And in the morning, milk the cow."      I was sleepin' like a rat   When I heard something jerkin'.   There stood Rita   Lookin' just like Tony Perkins.   She said, "Would you like to take a shower?   I'll show you up to the door."   I said, "Oh, no! no!   I've been through this before."   I knew I had to split   But I didn't know how,   When she said,   "Would you like to take that shower, now?"      Well, I couldn't leave   Unless the old man chased me out,   'Cause I'd already promised   That I'd milk his cows.   I had to say something   To strike him very weird,   So I yelled out,   "I like Fidel Castro and his beard."   Rita looked offended   But she got out of the way,   As he came charging down the stairs   Sayin', "What's that I heard you say?"      I said, "I like Fidel Castro,   I think you heard me right,"   And ducked as he swung   At me with all his might.   Rita mumbled something   'Bout her mother on the hill,   As his fist hit the icebox,   He said he's going to kill me   If I don't get out the door   In two seconds flat,   "You unpatriotic,    Rotten doctor Commie rat."      Well, he threw a Reader's Digest   At my head and I did run,   I did a somersault   As I seen him get his gun   And crashed through the window   At a hundred miles an hour,   And landed fully blast   In his garden flowers.   Rita said, "Come back!"   As he started to load   The sun was comin' up   And I was runnin' down the road.      Well, I don't figure I'll be back   There for a spell,   Even though Rita moved away   And got a job in a motel.   He still waits for me,   Constant, on the sly.   He wants to turn me in   To the F.B.I.   Me, I romp and stomp,   Thankful as I romp,   Without freedom of speech,   I might be in the swamp.