She had a hard-on   She had a muscle out of place   It looked peculiar   Occupying unlikely space   She saw a doctor and he cut her wide   When he saw inside he nearly died      She had a sister   She had a sibling in her groin   A small relation   With whom she didn't know she'd joined   This was a problem 'cause she'd always been   The Queen of hearts -- a spoiled only child      She called her Shirley   She dressed her in the finest clothes   But she was racked with pain   'Cause Shirley had a cuter nose   She saw a doctor and he cut the lump   And smooth the hump   To make her look much better from the side      But things are never quite that simple   They change and stay the same and fade away      Her husband left her   He didn't like her nose at all   And she blamed Shirley   Smashed her tiny head against the wall   The judge and jury watched her as she cried   Threw her inside and tossed away the key      15 years later   They let her out for being good   She made a fortune   Carving little figures out of wood   They were all Shirley but they were still and cold   She made and sold them till the day she died