i resent my first kiss   an introduction to these things i love so well      so now we fall back into friendship      i was just lying on this bed    with my head in my hands   trying to make you understand   that every single word is a journey   from the pit of my stomach   to the top of my mouth      and the feet of the faithful   kicked dust in my breath   and clogged up my lungs   with the smell of the death    of the hope and the fear and the prayers   that kept me alive   from afar      i was trampled to the ground   and i fell on my face    and i remembered this place   from the dreams of those toothless days   when i clung to ignorance   like a fucking shroud   that covered my eyes      insight undesired   of where we both stood   and the good in me   drained out like blood   and sweat and waste and broken teeth   and dust i swallowed down      so if words are all i have   then with words we'll build a world   where we can burn our days   and set fire to the things that we love      when my nerves connect to you   making contact   i spend more time itching stumps   than flexing fingers   motorized, you are my support   the sound that helps me breathe you in   the machines we built alone   are still not working      ("alien, like a mineral" she said, or at least she meant. soft, constantly whispering caresses erode and abrade. they smooth and briefly perfect but eventually they annihilate)      running   like some melodrama (dancing)   towards the cliff edge (laughing)   but i am not a character (playing)   i'm a ghost      the sickness   is with me still   makes my veins crawl   with the sting of poisons   running through   these poor holes   in my sick skin      the half life of kissing   your lips won't end   i cannot speak with your tongue in my mouth   cross tongued, tongue tied   i can't speak with your tongue in my mouth   with it pressed against   these poor aching, bleeding gums   i wish you could see me in the night    when the rivers from my eyes    flood their banks again and bring the rain   so we end this four year drought   i wish you could see me in the darkest hours when my face blooms anew      i can feel your pulse through my lips   and i would walk down the street naked again   i'd withstand the heat   i'd withstand the pain   if you kiss these eyes like butterflies   and make me want to live again      (this cold wind will blow away the warm sun. this autumn friendship formed of sorrow. we have a long way to go, this image imprinted on my mind. maybe we can all meet again junesometime)      if i had 1,000 words to tell you how i feel   i'd throw them all away because none of them are real   and i'd make the sound   that i have found   so deep inside myself      'it's you'.