Be true to yourself



As a child you were no doubt subjected to very strong pressure to conform to what was expected of you by your parents and various groups of society, and this pressure was not only applied physically, the emotional and psychological manipulation was possibly equal if not greater. Schoolteachers, priests and employers took over the parental role, and the agencies of government, including the police, enforced rules by which you were – and are – required to live. Whatever freedoms remained were substantially lost to the persuasive words of marketing media, party politics and peer group standards.

Question One

How then is it possible to reclaim a true sense of who I am?

See the other point of view

We learn mostly by a process of trial and error. In the absence of reliable guidelines from trusted role models we have to make our own way and our own mistakes, correcting and modifying, noticing what leads to pain and happiness and trying something different. Therefore we welcome feedback. Without feedback, we really are truly lost. The thing about relating to other people is that they all – each and every one – see the world differently to us, and to each other. No two perspectives can ever be exactly identical – simply because each of us has an entirely different set of past experiences to everyone else, no matter how similar are our life circumstances.

Question Two

How can I get good clear unjudgemental useful feedback to help me modify my life choices?

Deepen the heart’s feelings

It’s easy to care for our own children, our own lovers, and our own friends when they’re having a hard time. But what about strangers or people we don’t like? And how does the TV news of yet another disaster touch upon your heart? Indeed does it at all?

Compassion means “suffering with" and the point is that we actually have no choice. In the end we will eventually learn the mystery of existence – that we’re all in this together. “Do not ask for whom the bell tolls… John Donne puts it so succinctly… it is my loss whoever died. Do we still believe that the pursuit of happiness is to do with maximizing our material wealth using our credit cards until our ship comes in? Happiness is felt in the heart as a simple goodness; it shows us that the way we are living is free of guilt, creative and harmonious. The depth of happiness is evidence of the depth of the heart.

Question Three

How do I deepen the feelings in my heart?

Move on

We all get stuck at some point in our lives. It may be that we are hanging on to a dead relationship or a dead-end job; it may be that we are bored or becoming cynical with our circumstances at home or with our social group. Life is change; nothing lasts for long without a profound degree of adjustment, and sometimes simply through inertia we are reluctant to let go of what has become tedious. It’s true that change can be a bit scary, threatening our sense of comfort and security, and yet – think about it – what are the options? Are we really willing to put up with lifelessness for the want of a bit of daring? We know that the time is ripe for a major shift when the hints and gentle clues become loud and clear – more arguments, stubborn resentments, everlasting tedium, bitterness, constant disappointments – and we can feel a need to move something – very often it is simply enough to be willing to leave in order for a situation to be triggered towards resolution and improvement.

Question Four

How do I know when to move on and when to stay put?

Practice sacredness

Life must be given meaning, or we grow stale and loose vitality. The highest aspect of our being needs to be recognized and remembered from time to time so that a proper context is given to the more mundane aspects of life. It’s true that we focus ardently upon the normal endeavors of any species: home building, finding a mate, raising our offspring and winning food and comforts. As humans we also engage in self-expression, usually through career and past-times, and often we push for social recognition and wealth beyond our needs. This is all well and good, but does it satisfy the part of us that we feel is most meaningful – the special bit that yearns to know about the mystery of life? All of us have some sense of what we hold sacred and that has a special importance in our lives. It needs to be awakened, respected and acknowledged as a normal part of our routine.

Question Five

How can we practice sacredness?

Practice forgiveness

Why should we forgive someone who has done us harm? Surely it’s counter-intuitive to turn the other cheek and natural to take an eye for an eye? Well certainly it looks that way now, after all these years of blame and punishment that litters the history books since history began. At least revenge is exciting and good material for cinema and mythology. Perhaps that’s why we do it, the revenge reaction, or perhaps we feel outrage against injustice and feel to act as a balancing force – it matters not. The fact is that forgiveness makes for a happier more peaceful way of life and it recognizes that all of us are somewhat imperfect.

Question Six

How can I get rid of feelings of resentment?

Practice trust

Do I mean trust a 2-year-old with a loaded machine gun? No. Do I mean trust a used car salesman? No. I mean trust that it will all turn out well in the end. That whatever is coming towards you, you have or will develop what it takes to deal with it. Do I mean spend all your money and trust that someone else will pay for your pension? No. Trust in life’s depth of nurture, trust in your own depth of resourcefulness, trust your feelings, trust in trust itself. This thing called trust is not given – it must be earned. It’s worth it because life lived in trust and life lived in mistrust are so totally different – the one joyful, the other a punishment.

Question Seven

How can I trust that trust is trustworthy?

James Burgess 2008