Crimes of passion flood our popular media today, from movies like Fatal Attraction to the real life court sagas of the O.J. Simpson trial. One quote describes jealousy like this: “Love sees sharply, hatred sees even more sharp, but Jealousy sees the sharpest for it is love and hate at the same time.”



In the past it was the image of the restrictive and abusive husband that came to mind when speaking of jealousy and relationships but I have found that the tables are turning. This green-eyed monster has devoured many women as well. Shante's story is just such a case.

Shante's Story

The two women…both in their early 20's struggled on the concrete walkway outside the South Central Los Angeles apartment building. Resident's necks stretched outside their windows searching for the screams and expletives. It's still uncertain where the knife came from. Shante said it dropped out of her husband's girlfriend's pocket as the two women scratched and flung outside. Shante claims she blacked out and found herself holding a bloody knife, staring down at the women who broke up her home. Later she would discover that she had stabbed her husband's mistress seven times. Confused by betrayal, fear and rage that night Shante took off running in a psychotic sprint, leaving her one year old son and cheating husband behind.

Six months later Shante was stopped for failing to yield at a stop sign. After the officer discovered a warrant in her name she was promptly placed under arrest. Due to a rare occurrence of grace and favor from the criminal justice system, Shante was released in two weeks from jail, placed on probation and ordered to attend only 24 hours of anger management.

I don't approve the type of the violent and jealous act committed by Shante, but after hearing her life story I could understand how and why she did it. Maybe her superior court judge experienced the same empathetic moment I did.

Shante's grandmother raised her. At five years old her mother, a young drug addict and prostitute abandoned her. At twelve Shante was sexually abused by a family member and at sixteen her grandmother died. She was forced to move away from her childhood friends, change schools and live with a distant aunt. Shante's aunt had 5 children of her own and was now housing Shante and her two younger siblings. Being of babysitting age Shante quickly became the secondary caregiver for 7 children. In sixteen years she had already experienced more abuse and abandonment than most would experience in their entire lifetime. She was depressed and loosing a grip on her sanity. That's when she met James. He was 20 years old and quickly became her best friend and confidant, her father and teacher, her lover and first love, her savior. Within a 6-months they were living together and 3 years later they were married expecting a child.

For a year or two she clung to James even knowing her was cheating on her. She vowed to hold on to her family with her life. She told herself as long as I don't have to see or hear about these other women I'll be ok, but when her husband's mistress boldly knocked on the door for an evening rendezvous something inside her snapped.

It is important for you to recognize that jealousy is more about your insecurities than the infidelity of your mate. The jealous person may act out a very wide range of responses: clinging dependency, violent rage at the competitor or the partner, self-criticism, and depression with suicidal thoughts, hurt and resentment of the partner's lack of devotion and resistance, social embarrassment, revenge, loneliness, and regrets.

Needless to say, the best protection against jealousy is a good relationship. In addition to having a good relationship make sure your self-esteem is intact before a pending break up. Understand that you are a worthy individual in or out of a relationship. Tell yourself, "I am a valuable, lovable person regardless of whether you love me or not. It hurts but I can handle it. I'll get on with my life." Sometimes the best way to get over a broken heart is to begin carefully looking for a better relationship or you may need some time alone.

Some simple techniques to deal with the pain may include: staying active, distracting yourself with friends, fun, hobbies, work, and self-improvement.