We have the Blackberry. Not as you might think - a cute, juicy berry that you stick in your apple pie but actually a mini hand held computer that doubles as a phone (which incidentally also has to be as small as possible). It seems that these have replaced the secretary in modern offices and many businessman cannot function without them. A Blackberry contains enough information about a person to physically clone him without anyone noticing a difference.



We have the mini TV. You will see many people sat on the train watching their hand held TV's which is leading to a huge rise in the chiropractic business where people are needing their necks realigned because they spend to long bent over their mini TV. Why they would want to watch daytime TV on a screen the size of a postage stamp is beyond me.

On those mini TV's we have the mini series. A short collection of programmes that are longer than an episode but shorter than a film. These are designed specifically for those with short attention spans or defective short term memories.

Also on the train, in fact everywhere you look in public, you will see people with mini music players, namely mp3's. These are about the size of a fifty pence piece and subject the rest of us to tinny sounds emitted from the ears of others. These are the people that will be keeping hearing aid companies in business in a few years time.

We also have a plethora of mini celebrities. These are not simply short people but ones that, without their fancy clothes and make up would look more at home on the plains of a war torn desolate country. For these mini celebrities we have, of course, mini clothes. Size zero is apparently the only size to be. These people were born at heavier weights than they are now! Had they been around in the time of Reubins they would have been treated as freaks.

To accessorise the mini celebs with the mini clothes comes the mini handbag. Big enough to fit one mini mobile phone and one pound coin in, they are swing from the mini fingers of these human sticks in an effort to anchor them to the ground in a strong wind.

To sustain these mini people restaurants are now serving mini portions of calorie free water and lettuce with the occasional nut (singular) for protein. These mini portions are in direct opposition to American fat portions and will be served on a saucer.

Being a mini person is all very well until you want to run for the bus. In that case, you are in danger of rubbing your legs together to the point where they catch fire or possible falling down a drain. This can be avoided if you run along with your arms stretched out to your side.

At least these mini people will fit in the mini houses that builders are now throwing up into the tiniest of spaces. Four family houses in what was once the average size back yard is extreme but commonplace today.

Personally, when I was growing up we had a bigger broom cupboard than the houses that exist today. Corridors of rooms are built simply for standing room by mini people only.

If you live in mini house and are feeling lonely you could always get yourself one of the mini me's that the lady chavs are putting out. This will result in a baby in a tracksuit but will put an end to you being a mini person for the rest of your life.