Have you noticed how frequently and almost reverently the word "love" is thrown around when a couple bumps into their extramarital affair?



The wayward spouse often states, "I fell out of love. I don't have the feelings for you I'm supposed to have. You are more like a friend than a wife/husband. I love you but am not 'in love' with you."

The offended spouse often hangs on to the marriage with the proclamation that, even though his/her partner has forsaken him/her for someone else, s/he (the offended spouse) still very much "loves" his/her spouse and wants him/her back.

There is one kind of affair (I Fell out of Love...and just love being in love) where the perceived FEELING of being "in love" is paramount. This feeling means everything.

Typically the husband or wife describes "falling out of love" and is anxious about this development.

The "loving" or "romantic" feelings once passionately lived, for unknown reasons vanished or were transformed in the marriage.

S/he (and this is not merely a female problem!) wants to "recapture" those feelings. It is thought that those "in love/romantic feelings" comprise the essence of a marital or highly invested relationship and if absent indicate a dysfunctional marriage or a marriage doomed to the boredom heap for the rest of one's life.

The infidelity often is initiated when someone comes along who triggers the latent personal need to feel that "in love" feeling.S/he is insistent and tenacious in attaining and maintaining this ideal (or intensely "loving" relationship.

Before we look at how to address such an affair, a couple points (and I have five more that I will share in other articles) about this kind of affair are important to consider:

1. Unfortunately, our culture (movies, songs, romance novels, soap operas, romance comedies) teaches that "being in love" is how it's supposed to be.

"Falling in love" is the norm - the implication being, that if "love" doesn't happen, or if "love" goes away, something is wrong - with you, your spouse or the marriage.

The odds are stacked against any couple attempting to navigate a marriage when bombarded by movies, TV, novels, advertising and grocery check out magazines that point to the power (gosh, don't you envy some of those hip couples?) of finding and losing "love."

To create a lasting, intimate and wonderfully joyful marriage in our Western Culture we first must unlearn a great deal.

2. The person who was driven to find "that loving feeling" (reminds me of a song...typically is conflicted with a signficant dose of guilt.

Unlike some of the other 7 kinds of affairs I describe in "Break Free From the Affair,' "I Fell out of Love...and just love being in love" is marked, for the most part, by the absence of anger.

He/she is often married to a "good" person and the desire to "find that loving feeling" seems selfish (which it is) and immature (which it is).

A little voice within (an s/he is typically aware of this quiet but persistent voice) whispers consistently that s/he is moving down a perilous path.

3. A person needing to feel that "loving feeling" usually has a need for drama and excitement.

The aura around relationships casts a shadow of being a soap opera. The intrigue of 2 meeting secretly to the exclsion of another is the norm.

that feeling of being in "love" is tied closely to the personal need for excitement and plotting. The secret and clandestine nature of extramarital affairs lends itself nicely to seemingly meet these two powerful needs of feeling 'in love' and living an exciting life.

The razzle dazzle and drama of pursuing the "feeling in love" relationship takes center stage rather than a life lived with a certain knowledge of who one is.

If an emotional affair faces you, be prepared for a roller coaster ride. The power of your negative thoughts and feelings will will demand that you respond with fortitude and courage.