Assertiveness is a simple skill that requires a lot of



practice to perfect. Basically, assertiveness requires us

to speak our minds, to do so in such a way that the meaning

of our communication is clear. Hopefully our expressed wish

is acknowledged, but this is not necessary for us to be

assertive. To achieve assertive communication, we have to

state what is in our minds; that is, our thoughts and feelings.

Advanced assertiveness (another article) is when we ask for

what we want regardless of whether the "recipient" understands

what we communicate, and regardless of whether or not we get

what we want.

This is the assertiveness "cover story," but it is

actually much broader and deeper, because we also have to

express our feelings in a way that usually is trained out

of us; that is, to tell others in some more direct way how

we feel, not just intellectually describe what we think.

Complete assertiveness requires both levels--intellectual and

emotional communication.

The workplace presents both a challenge and potentially

some relief when it comes to being assertive. On the one

hand, we work with others, usually often, so there is some

sense of familiarity. Yet, we do not live with them.

There is a certain built-in interpersonal distance.

(There are exceptions, like when we befriend a co-employee.

In that case there is a different dynamic that makes our

communication more personal. But I am talking about the

more general experience of acquaintances, which probably

better describes most of our work relationships.)

With acquaintances at work, the challenge is to ask for

what we want or at least state our opinion, more or less at

intellectual, pragmatic levels. We tend to leave out the

personal side, because our relationships

(above exception noted) are not that personal. From this

standpoint, assertiveness is easier because there are less

personal consequences. We can state "our case" and others

likely will not take our message so personally. This is

truer if the issue at hand is small. It is also more likely

to be true of communications among co-workers of equal status.

If there are other good elements; that is, more interpersonal

warmth, bonding and empathy, talking to the boss can be

assertively successful. But we need some slightly deeper

personal connection to the boss to make this work, to grease

the wheels of information exchange.

The workplace presents a challenge to being more

interpersonally intimate with co-workers who may not really

be so friendly. The same is true with bosses that have

different levels of power. (Interpersonal intimacy is the

aspect of communication that is more personal, private or

personally revealing of information normally reserved for

friends. This can be a little or a lot, depending upon the

extent of the burgeoning friendship. Power is defined by

how much a person can influence your experience. Obviously,

bosses usually have more of this, but co-workers with an

agenda; that is, when they have some underhanded motive(s),

can be just as powerful.)

Most people opt to not be so personal with fellow workers.

Most people choose to "keep it superficial." This limits the

amount of emotional depth that such a relationship evinces.

It also limits the effectiveness of assertiveness. Why?

Because true assertiveness requires the communication of

feelings to some degree or another. The more friendly and/or

personal the relationship, the greater the ease of expressing

feelings and consequently the greater likelihood of achieving

true assertiveness.

Does this mean that without empathy, warmth and (real or

potential) friendship that there can be no assertiveness? No.

In these cases, assertiveness just takes on a more intellectual,

transactional or superficial aspect. It can work, but it is

limited from a personal experience point of view. An example

is a grievance filed at work. In this circumstance, we

probably have lots of negative feelings. After all, we are

frustrated enough to file a formal complaint. The expression

of said complaint goes through channels, which is designed to

strip the complaint of its affective side. This is chiseled

down assertiveness, which is different from the kind we might

utilize with familiars.

Dr. Griggs