We continue this series which discusses how to avoid the pitfalls in building interpersonal relationships, whether with family, coworkers, friends, or that special someone. Committed, loving relationships do not just happen. You should realize that there is no success secret, no checklist of things to do, and just as important things not to do for building such relationships. We will make some suggestions that focus on what to avoid. We actually have a double series of articles for the letter C.



C is for compare. Those of us with siblings know all about comparisons from an early age. What is more naturual than replying, "Why should I be like my brother Charlie, I'm not him, I'm me." And guess what, people's instinctive dislike of being compared to someone else continues right through life. "Please don't tell me that I'm not as good a great-grandfather as Charlie. I'm not him. I'm me." Some clever bosses might deal with this dislike of comparisons by comparing employee's work, not the employees themselves. Such strategy is rarely successful. The boss shouldn't say - "Your report wasn't as timely and hard-hitting as Charlene's." Instead she should say "Your report could have been more timely and hard-hitting." If her employee asks for a better example, she can dig out Charlene's report.

C is for chauvinist. Traditionally chauvinist means excessively nationalistic. The word comes from a Frenchman who had this fault down to a T. Chauvinism is a no-no. It should especially be avoided in workplaces or groups hosting people of different nationalities. One particularly pernicious form of this fault is the male chauvinist pig. Guys, don't even think about the office or a dinner with the in-laws like a stag party. Don't expect the women around you to make coffee. I have always been happy to make coffee and even wash the pot and the cups in exchange for a home-made dinner.

C is for cynical. Don't be insensitive. Show a little care, a little concern. This doesn't mean that you have to break down crying whenever you hear a sad, sad story. But don't be cynical. One problem with cynicism is that many people will fail to understand your cryptic, clever meaning and take you at your word. Just the other day I was reminded to follow my own advice. Someone in our group said that the government promised to take care of such-and-such a problem within a year. I asked, cynically, "Well, did they solve that problem?" Guess what the answer was. And I'm sure that at least some people thought I was serious, and credulous rather than clever. Don't be cynical. At least not with the wrong crowd.

Are you tired of all this negativity? Take a look at our companion series that accentuates the positive.