Intense emotions are an unavoidable part of the process. When children are involved in a divorce, those emotions tend to skyrocket, often leading to high conflict and deeper wounds. But, this is not necessarily an aspect of divorce that is outside of your control.



First of all, divorce is a process and not an event. Too often, divorcing parents get focused on the magical date when the divorce will be final. In fact, the intensity and depth of emotion often pushes people to rush through the legal process in an effort to escape the pain. Unfortunately, racing to a quick settlement frequently means regrets and bitterness.

The legal process of divorce is adversarial in its structure. When attorneys enter the picture most couples are at a distinct disadvantage in terms of communication, consideration, cooperation, and healthy negotiation.

I believe many divorcing couples could negotiate a more successful and satisfactory settlement if they slowed the process down significantly, and waited to seek legal counsel after a considerable cooling off period. But, more often than not the addition of a legal advisor dramatically alters the relationship of divorcing couples, and there is one primary reason: feelings.

If you polled a large segment of the divorced population and asked them what emotion was most prevalent and caused the most problems in their divorce, you would likely get the word anger more than any other. While anger is certainly a common and often intense emotion that causes problems in divorce, looking a bit deeper will reveal another feeling that dominates the process.

The formula for anger is Fear + Hurt + Frustration. The hurt divorcing parents experience is obvious to everyone and understandable. But, the not so obvious feeling that drives a lot of behavior in divorce is fear. You know the fears I am referring to right? Fear of failure, fear of abandonment, fear of powerlessness, fear of being alone, these are some of the most powerful and often overwhelming feelings anyone experiences in divorce.

Unfortunately, these feelings are frequently ignored and even unrecognized leading to problem behavior. Never underestimate the power of fear in a divorce. In fact, I believe fear is the number motivator of problem behavior of divorced parents.

What is the number one fear expressed by divorcing parents? Losing their children. All the fears mentioned earlier tend to influence behavior as well, but none have the power of the threat of losing a child.

No one wants his or her child to decide to spend more time with the other parent. No one wants to be replaced by his or her ex-spouse's new love interest. No one wants to be excluded from his or her child's life.

When you think about it, it is obvious that fear plays a huge role in almost every aspect of a divorce involving children, and yet we tend to over look it or ignore it.

I suggest that parents attend to that fear in their ex-spouse. That's right, address it and you have the potential to alleviate the fear, and in turn reduce behavior that is driven by it. Simply letting your ex know that you have no intention of taking the children away from him or her can make a huge difference in the long run, but too often those fears are instead reinforced through words and actions.

Stress to your ex that it is important to you that they remain very close to your children and that it is your desire to help that relationship to grow. Alleviating your ex-spouse's fears could make a huge difference for your future communication and can significantly reduce conflict.