HOW TO BE ASSERTIVE



As an outpatient psychologist with a long running private

practice, clients often ask me, "How do I become assertive?"

The short answer is "speak up." The longer answer is we

first have to understand what assertiveness is and what it is not.

Let me address the last part first.

Assertiveness is not aggression. It is not yelling, name

calling or doing anything physically violent. It is not about

getting in someone's space or place if they do not invite us.

It is not about damaging other's property.

Neither is assertiveness about being passive. That involves

not saying or doing things in an indirect way, but still having an

underhanded intent. Such statements blur messages on purpose;

confusing the recipient into thinking the intent is something it

is not. Manipulating falls into this category. Being

non-assertive is different from being passive. The difference is

that choosing to not speak up is deliberate, conscious and has not

ulterior motives. It is not manipulation, just the choice to not

respond. Sometimes this is the better choice, like when our boss

is mad at us, yet we would like to have a promotion. Not speaking

at that time is judicious, and choosing to not assert our point of

view is wise.

Assertiveness is about speaking up in a specific way, stating

what you want and using "I" statements. "I would like to have

that cake" is an assertive statement. "That cake would sure look

nice on my plate" is a semi-assertive statement. "My, how good

that cake looks" is not an assertive statement. "That cake would

make me feel better about you" is a manipulative statement.

Saying nothing about cake because we do not want any is choosing

to just not be assertive.

Assertiveness involves five steps. In my ebook on this

subject, I explain them in detail and how they flow from one to the

other, each needing to be completed before the next. For this

article, here's a quick summary. Step One is asking yourself what

are you thinking or feeling. Step Two is about validating that

your thoughts and/or feelings are valid and important. Step Three

is thinking and planning how we might express ourselves, assuming

we get through Step Two and actually think what we have to say is

important enough to say or do something about. Step Four is

actually executing the plan; that is, doing what we fantasized in

Step Three. Step Five is feedback. How did it go? If we

achieved some satisfaction, we are done with that thought. If not,

it is back to Step One.

This may seem a little tedious, but each of us goes through at

least the first two steps with every thought and/or feeling. Those

thoughts and/or feelings that are salient; that is, rise to some

higher level in our awareness, are considered more and are more

likely to motivate us to consider doing something about. This is

Step Three, which once engaged, usually carries us through to

completion (Step Five). This process is automatic and very, very

fast. It is usually unconscious; that is, out of everyday

awareness automatic and usually psychologically reflexive

(patterned, rehearsed responses that we chalk up as mental habits).

Learning to be assertive is about realizing the steps that are

involved and how we each follow them. If we do so unconsciously,

then assertiveness is hit or miss, depending upon our early training.

We inherit most of these thought patterns from our parents, which

could be good or bad. The key to becoming assertive is to become

aware of the above and practice it a few times. Usually people

see the benefit and are encouraged to continue.

There is always a contingent of folks who disagree and claim

being assertive is a bad thing. It generates conflict, does not work,

is a waste of time, etc. In my ebook, I address a very long list

of reasons people generate why we should not be assertive. Some of

them are quite creative, but all of them lack basis. I explain all

of this is depth and detail. In my view, assertiveness is a very

positive skill and is one of the easiest to acquire. Once practiced,

assertiveness spreads out in the psyche and positively influences

more experiences than the reader can imagine, starting with decreasing

anxiety and depression and increasing self-esteem.

Dr. Griggs