Playing the Blame Game



It is a hard fact that both the spouses are almost equally responsible for the break down of their marriage. Revenge is the first reaction to such a split-up where spouses use all they can think of, to get even. They point fingers at each other and end up complicating matters. Each one tries to justify his/her actions and blames the other. Unfortunately, this blame game does not stop the imminent divorce. As the saying goes, ?If it takes two to make a marriage work, it takes only one to destroy it.? They argue over everything - their child, furniture, dog, money, house etc. just to vent their anger and take revenge on their partner.

Feelings of rejection, betrayal and guilt are common among divorcing couples. The urge to take revenge is common in cases where one of the spouses is accused of adultery. Divorce is the most personal episode of an individual's life. Exposing it to the public by dragging it to the courtroom can be very painful. The courtroom scenes often turn nasty when intimate bedroom details are highlighted just to harass the partner. A revenging partner has only one thing in mind and that is, to humiliate the other partner, for his so-called? misdoings. This leads to permanent scars that are impossible to heal.

Does It Help?

Couples who fight it out in the courtroom are often guided by emotions and they lack a rational outlook. Individuals opting for revenge need to ask themselves the following questions before embarking on their vendetta:

Will solve things and get you what you want?

Will make you feel better if your spouse is hurt?

Will benefit your children?

If the answer to any one of them is a ?no?, it simply means that the unnecessary battle is not worth all the pain. Taking vengeance will neither change the situation you are in nor will make you feel better. It might not help in anyway or mend the broken relationship. In fact, it will make you more vulnerable to a lifelong strained relationship and in the end you might just end up hating yourself for your actions.

How to Control the Urge for Revenge?

Although, you might feel urged to take revenge on the partner, you need to keep away from it. If both the parties accept their responsibilities for the breakdown of their relationship, it could be a completely different divorcing experience altogether.

Child support and child custody are sensitive issues in any divorce and both the parents would want to have a fair judgement in this regard. If both the partners decide and come to a mutual understanding, it will minimise the adverse impact of divorce on the child. Similarly, if assets are also dealt with in the same fairness, partners will end up reducing the legal fees to attorneys to a great extent, and might never have to face a courtroom trial.

It takes initiation from one of the partners to stop this cycle of revenge. Try to be calm and keep an open mind when you are meeting with your soon-to-be ?ex? to discuss issues. Accept your share of mistakes in front of your spouse and if possible, ask for forgiveness.

Discuss the divorce issues calmly and do not resort to accusations. But this does not mean that you accept all the blame. Be firm on issues affecting you and try to negotiate with an even temper. Maintain the calm stature of communication in every meeting you have with your partner. Eventually you will notice a difference in your partner's attitude too. Gradually you both will get over the cycle of revenge.

Remember, both the parties end up losing the battle of adversarial divorce and attorneys are the only ones who walk away happy. Their aim is to make money and may not have your interests in mind. It is better to avoid them.

The Last Word

If anytime in your life you find yourself in an unpleasant situation such as an adversarial divorce, just stop and contemplate the reason behind it. Take a step back, analyse the situation and think what you can do to stop it. Any conflict can be solved by changing yourself, changing the situation and changing the other person involved. If you try and change the first two, the third one will automatically follow. Ultimately, you both can part ways happily without any hard feelings towards each other.