Bad joke fodder aside, what makes a good mother-in-law? Or is that an oxymoron? Most women today fill several simultaneous roles; wife, mother, step-mother, sister, daughter, aunt, friend, mentor, boss, employee?"but being a mother-in-law remains the most challenging one, and it’s loaded with pitfalls.



Even before the role is assumed, the tendency for jealousy can rear its ugly head: “No one is good enough for my son (or daughter)!" Or we selectively forget our own mother-in-law woes presuming we will do a better job. But without forethought and conscious effort, we will blunder into this important role reactively rather than considerately?"a mistake that could have major consequences.

How major? Researchers who study family relationships know that in-law relationships can be an accurate predictor of whether a marriage will succeed?"or end in divorce. One Iowa State University study found that “adult children’s marriages are more likely to be cohesive if the married adult children are autonomous and there is little conflict between the adult children and their parents. This is particularly important during the first few years of marriage. Thus, it was not surprising to find that among newlyweds, low levels of conflict with in-laws predicts marital happiness for both husbands and wives."

Unfortunately, it is too easy to naively dismiss such concerns. After all, we only marry a mate?"not a family. But is this really true?

A couple becoming a new family doesn’t sever all previous family ties, and it shouldn’t. However, as the Journal of Family Therapy pointed out in a 1990 article by Judith L. Silverstein, “Conflicts often arise out of a failure to establish clear boundaries with the family of origin. In-laws become rivals or competitors for the spouse’s attention. . . . In-laws may also be used to avoid intimacy within the couple. On the other hand, in-laws often greatly enrich family life, providing added support, friendship and guidance."

Some in-law conflicts can be traced to simple differences in life and health experiences. One doesn’t raise a future son-in-law or daughter-in-law; they come to their mate’s family fully grown. The best approach is to treat them as the adults they are. We can’t replace someone’s mother and shouldn’t try but we can become their friend. For example, rather than “telling" our daughter-in-law how to be a good wife, why not show her? Examples speak volumes.

Compliment her abilities rather than nitpick. Only give advice when asked; never meddle. When we avoid taking sides, (favoring a child over their mate) it is easier to build a lasting relationship. This is, after all, the main goal.

The transfer of intergenerational wisdom that can occur if we don’t alienate our daughter-in-law is unlimited. There may be grandchildren . . . great-grandchildren. These future generations need grandparents in good standing. Make each occasion together pleasant, quality time. Leave them hungering for more, not dreading the next visit or phone call. The benefits to the young couple will be enormous if their space is respected. Send a clear message that the younger couple's decisions are supported no matter what. Most parents had to make mistakes as newlyweds and so do their children.

Another factor that can complicate mother-in-law-hood is the phase often called “empty nest syndrome". If the void isn’t filled with useful activities, parents can obsess over controlling their adult children. This is unhealthy for adult children as well as for parents. The slogan “Get a life" takes on a whole new meaning. If a calm and warm atmosphere can be created for adult children to visit, parents will most likely see adult children and grandchildren more often, which is more than a minor consideration.

There may not be a great number of self-help books out there for the mother-in-law to consult but common sense is still the best teacher. In every role we play, we must think how we would like to be treated and treat others the same way. This ancient wisdom is just as applicable today as when it was first written.

Rather than resemble a bad mother-in-law joke, why not strive for the alternative? Keep a healthy sense of humor and create a family-friendly environment for adult children. Done properly, it will draw our children to us eagerly, now, and in the future.