Guide to Trauma Free Relationships

(703 words)



Written by Norbert Henke (Counselor/Psychotherapist)

Singles have to protect and rely on themselves for happiness, decision-making and particularly, when it comes to sex. However, for many singles, sex (or intercourse) becomes a barometer of their self-worth and the amount of love they give to themselves. This can make, in particular, a good hearted, trusting and/or insecure single very emotionally/ physically vulnerable and thus, an easy target for the partner from Hell. Therefore, knowledge and awareness become very crucial and important methods to protect and avoid disaster, a broken heart and other catastrophes. This article is designed to promote awareness as it's topic is part of the psychological foundation of a happy, confident individual.

Some people, especially romantic teenagers, expect from LOVE

that through destiny, they will find their perfect partner, with whom they will fall in love and spend their lives together. The reality however is often different. The first arguments which occur highlight certain insecurities within the individuals. Afraid and/or angry with the partner their flow of love is retarded and restricted, as their beliefs hang on to ?tit for a tat?-mentality. The couple assumes that love is a commodity, which is earned or traded. That is a big mistake.

Love must remain free.

This is an important factor of any successful relationship. Yet, because of a certain inner-hunger for love within themselves, many people will devour the love of someone else. They are afraid to search for inner-love within themselves, because within they can not find security within. This fixation on their inability to find inner-love will eventually make them physically ill or mentally distressed. Fortunately, the single or individual need not despair as they can start to love many other aspects of this wonderful earth - a nice landscape, a nice pet horse, a loyal dog, a classical opera, other people and so on. ?Just loving it? is enough to start a warm feeling within. Love starts within us. No-one is responsible for supplying the other partner with love. We all have to find our inner-love. Thus, it seems absurd to be forced to love only one partner in a life-time as called for in a marriage. Although love is a part of a relationship's foundation, a marriage is also a place for responsibility, sharing duties, communication, fairness and other, less romantic, cold facts. However, our traditional thinking of a tit for a tat, possession and destiny will frequently hamper the growth of love.

The person who learned to love observes the finer things in their surroundings as a gift of life. As everything in life will change over time, it is a terrible tragedy that many people believe, that they have to wait patiently for love, until a fairy princess will free them from their entombment of unhappiness and uncertainty.

Love however, is active and not passive.

The activity of love can be learned and exercised like a muscle. Feeling love is like an art, which can be learned through the removal of negative, untruthful inner-conditioning and irrational beliefs. An individual, who can not give love, in spite of having a yacht, sports car, dream partner etc. is not happy. This individual is able to become happier the more he is able to love himself, accepts himself, tolerate other people's idiosyncrasies and loves the environment which surrounds him. The more love, the greater the happiness.

It follows a person must not calculate, when love is given; it is important for one's development, not to ask for anything in return. Otherwise we fall back into the tit for a tat-trap.

For instance, when a person loves a particular majestic tree, he would not ask for anything in return. It's just a beautiful tree. There is no dependency on that tree. However, if we look for our missing love within other people, we easily become dependent. Without our own love, our health can also suffer as many years of disappointment, perceived punishment, lack of love, painful experiences etc. can take their toll. In the long run the person can revolve in a vicious circle that steadily increases suspicion, isolation, blocking off emotions, etc. The results are too often high blood pressure, stomach ulcers and other psychosomatic ailments.

As a last note, every person within a relationship has to ensure that their love and the love of their partner, remains free. This does not mean we cannot have different opinions or arguments. It means that personal fears, insecurities and threats must be dealt and/or communicated within the relationship. A denial of responsibilities over their own feelings and beliefs can easily turn the loving partner into the partner of hell. Especially, if the partner suffocates, manipulates and forces his/her own agenda (created by their insecurities and even hate) onto the weaker or less aggressive partner. The resulting resentment and disappointment are often carried into a new relationship, when the current one collapses under the emotional strain.