We often say ‘wealth and possessions are not important’ – true, but personal possessions are important to kids. Young children especially can become attached to their personal possessions. It may not seem important to adults, but small, simple and seemingly insignificant objects can have much significance in the lives of young children.



When I was 7 years old my family moved from Australia to the UK. Of course, with such a long flight and limited luggage allowed, it was not possible for us to pack and take all our belongings with us, and this included mine. I do not recall much about packing, but when we got to England I remember spending ages, possibly months, wondering where two particular items had gone – my toy saucepans that had faces, and my book on how to tell the time, with its vivid pictures which I used to ‘live’, sinking into the story and studying every detail of the illustrations. As a child it is hard to express one’s confusion. Maybe at the time I asked my mum where the toys were, but I don’t remember. But it was when I was 39, when I saw the toys captured in the background of a photo, that I asked where they went. What is surprising was the anger I still felt about my treasured possessions going ‘missing’. It was something I had emotionally held on to throughout childhood. I never forgot about it. My mum said she had to throw them out when packing to leave the country. What she failed to do, however, was to consult me. Maybe I was at school at the time, but a little consultation, even just to say “we can’t take these", would have avoided all the confusion and unrest that followed. Whatever should or should not have happened, it is a poignant reminder that children, especially young children, can become emotionally attached to their possessions.

I recently met a woman who had a similar experience. Her’s was that when she was 10 years old her mum and dad divorced, and she was to move to a new home with her mother. She was told to sort out her room and pack her things, but did not do so, putting it off (she did not want to move). Eventually, while she was at school her mum cleared her room, and threw out a number of things. She remembers coming home and the realisation of the enforced move hit her. She was angry and upset. To this day, she has difficulty keeping her home tidy – she just can’t bring herself to throw or give junk away. She hoards it. It was only recently that she realised the 10 year old inside her is still alive – holding onto her treasured possessions, not letting anyone, even herself, take them away.

So how can we begin to understand the significance of personal possessions to our children, and what can we do to best deal with situations like the above? Here are a few pointers.

1.Show that you respect and protect your child’s personal possessions and privacy. When children argue over a toy and the toy belongs to one of the children, return it to the owner. A child doesn't have to share his possessions. Warn him, however, that sometime he may want to play with his sister's toy and expect her to share it with him. She may not feel like sharing it if he has not shared his toy with her. Teach your children to take turns playing with family toys such as board games. Also teach your child to share toys when friends come over. Sharing is a necessary skill for making and keeping friends and getting along in school.

2.Research has shown that young children relate objects to themselves and hold them meaningful for enjoyment, like action figures and animals. They are more likely to relate material possessions with happiness, friendship, and feeling good about oneself. Hence, the day they first attend school, and take their favourite toy along, mum isn’t popular when she asks to have it back to ‘look after it’ while he is at school. She mustn’t be surprised to witness a full-blown tantrum at the classroom door. In this situation, allow your child his toy. It can be the difference between a good day and a bad day at school, and make all the difference when it’s time to go to school the next day!

3.Adolescents cherish objects that are meaningful and significant for their status among their peers. Items like jewellery, clothes, and music. Such items are important to your adolescent fitting in with his friends. They are items which are subject to much discussion amongst peers. Beware the parent who tries to remove any of these items, or suggests those jeans that have more holes than a colander should be dumped. Removing such items means removing a part of their identity to the adolescent.

4.Every year, one out of 10 adults move house in the UK, and one out of five American families move. One of the most important issues to anyone with kids is their reaction to the news that they're moving, and their adjustment to the new home. It’s really important to keep children informed. When packing items to move or when Spring cleaning, always take the time to first check with your child if it’s OK to clear his things out. It may mean being firm when they want to keep everything, and using some negotiation techniques so that they keep only the most important things if this is necessary. What’s crucial is that they know what is happening and that they have a say, so that they do not feel a total loss of control.

5.Kids may link a possession to a particular place, memory, or person. Perhaps the area that most illustrates this is the importance of personal possessions in the eyes of those institutionalised, children who are in care, who frequently move from residential or foster home to another, or even immigrant children. To these children, their personal possessions are all they have of continuity, security, and memories. They do not have a permanent home, so all they have of permanence is their possessions which travel with them from one place to another. To many of these children a simple item, which many of us would deem suitable only for the bin, has a big significance, like a cigarette butt (which dad smoked on her last visit to see him), or some broken bird feathers (from when she last went on an outing with mum). We can never underestimate or begin to know what is important to our children.

Whatever the circumstances, whether we are moving home, going on holiday, Spring cleaning, or even dropping our child at school, being considerate and respectful to our child’s needs with regard to his belongings and favourite possessions can make such a difference to his life and to the parent-child relationship.