Parenting books vary in depth, range and accuracy relative to research.



The research on changing children's behavior is quite extensive, so the best

parenting books use this; that is, incorporate the body of studies into

their descriptions of bad behaviors and what parents should do.

Unfortunately, parenting books also tend to limit themselves to

specific topics. For example, most of them deal with common kid problems,

like how to get a child to go to bed on time, how to do homework and turn

it in, how to get along with siblings, etc. This is OK as far as it goes.

It tends to be superficial, not focusing on the principles that underlie

actual change.

What are those principles? The most important is to honor the child's

good qualities and later use those to shape new behavior(s). This is

actually two processes in one. If we think of children's behavior as

purposeful, then even bad behavior has a goal. Our aim is to figure what

that goal is. Sometimes, it is about simply expressing anger. Sometimes,

it is about revenge. Sometimes, it is manipulative; that is, there is some

indirect maneuver going on that is not immediately apparent. If we figure

out what the goal of the bad behavior is, it is an easy next step to turn

that around and use the second dynamic to short-circuit it.

No matter how badly behaved a child is, there is always something good

about that child. Even the most severely mentally ill, acting out little

brat is operating according to some need, or feeling or idea. The chances

are very, very good that once discovered, and most importantly, articulated,

that need, feeling or idea will lessen the intensity if not stop a lot of

the bad behavior.

If positive qualities are then layered into the conversation, usually

the child will respond in uncharacteristic ways, often counter to the

previous bad behavior. It is a kind of one-two punch that undermines the

negativity of the behavior. It derails the negative need, feeling or idea,

supplanting it (or them) with ego-supportive feedback.

The choice of which good qualities to "deliver" at this critical

junction is what the parenting books should discuss. They usually do not

because they are too fixated on just what words to say to get the child to

conform. (This is content-based parenting, not process-based, which is the

subject of this article.) An important point is that at this point, the

child is less defensive and therefore more open to deeper level (process)

communication. The wise parent, at this critical point, injects feedback

about the child's positive behavior, but about the specific positive

behaviors that are the opposite of the problem negative behaviors. Why?

As a child psychologist, I frequently ask parents what is the opposite

of "yelling," since that is a behavior lot of kids like. Most parents

reflexively say, "Not yelling." This is incorrect. Sleeping is not

yelling, but it has nothing to do with yelling. The correct answer is

"talking quietly." The idea is to use the presence of positive behaviors

to neutralize the negative behavior, not to use the absence of the negative

behavior. (Kids do not understand the latter.)

Which positive behaviors the parents use to offset the negative

dynamics are crucial. Wise parents choose the positive opposite of the

negative behavior and zap their kid with love and compliments at just the

right moment (when their defenses are down after articulating their need,

feeling or thought).

This usually meets the underlying need, redirects the behavior and

fortifies alternate, positive behavior.

In my ebook, I have written extensively about his dynamic and the

specifics on how to create such an experience with children. It is based

on all the latest research plus my over twenty years as a child psychologist.

Dr. Griggs